


Ghosts That We Knew

by letusbebrave



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:35:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letusbebrave/pseuds/letusbebrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Future Fic. Canon to 4x01. "Her saving grace showed up in the form of the person that had shattered her heart 10 years previous." Set after Wren dies in a tragic car accident and leaves Spencer widowed, as well as a single mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. May 2023 - Bury My Heart On The Coals

"We are here to celebrate the life and mourn the loss of Wren Kingston. He is survived by his loving wife, Spencer Kingston, and their daughter, Clara."

Spencer would give anything not to be there. She would give up everything she owned to not be burying her husband when she was only 28 years old. Spencer didn't want to be a widow at 28. Spencer wouldn't be able to be a single parent when Clara was only 4 years old. This is when she needed her husband the most.

She sat on a chair in front of the coffin in silence as the pastor spoke. Spencer kept her eyes shut as he spoke. She couldn't bare the sight of the coffin. There had already been her time to say goodbye in private. Wren had looked like he had been sleeping then. There weren't any scratches on his face or any signs that he was dead. It had only been when she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead for the last time that she really realized that he was dead. There was no warmth there. Her husband was no longer inside that body. He was gone and Spencer didn't know where that left her at all.

Spencer's overlarge sunglasses covered her bloodshot eyes from the public's view. Wren's parents hadn't been able to make the trip over and he was an only child. Nobody could tell that his family wasn't there. So many people had showed up to the funeral, it was overwhelming. Wren had helped so many different people and touched so many lives for the better. Their house was filed with flowers and casseroles from people that Spencer didn't even know. The only thing that made the funeral bearable was the fact that her friends and family were there. Even past high school all her friends had all stayed in touch. Emily and Paige only lived a few streets over from her house. Hanna lived in the city and Aria was always out of the country doing some adventurous and thrilling. They had both made the trip days before the funeral to support her.

Emily had stayed over at her house since the day that Wren died. Spencer didn't know what she would have done if Emily hadn't been so willing to help. She needed so much and Emily was there for her unconditionally. Spencer hadn't been able to tell Clara on the day that Wren died. Paige and Emily were more than understanding and Clara stayed the night at a "surprise slumber party" with Paige and their 6 month old. Spencer hadn't gotten out of her bed that night other than to use the restroom. Her sobs shook her to the core. She had a night to get out her emotions so that she would be strong for Clara. Spencer had to be strong for their daughter. She was lucky that Hanna and Emily were there that night to make sure that she was still breathing.

How was she going to be a single mother? Spencer hadn't even wanted children for at least another 5 years when she got pregnant with Clara. Her entire life had changed once she gave birth. Spencer would never regret it. She absolutely loved her daughter and knew that Wren felt the same way. But Wren was so the favorite parent.

Wren had been the best father since the moment that Clara was born. There was a never a complaint when she asked him to help or get up in the middle of the night. The look of adoration in his eyes while he held their daughter was what really made Spencer fall in love with him. Clara made her realize how perfect Wren was for her—for _them_.

Of course Wren had been ripped away from Spencer when they were happy. Whenever she felt happy, life would remind her that she wasn't in charge.

The universe was cruel, that hit Spencer the hardest. The universe wasn't what she imagined as a child. It wasn't something she loved having her daughter grow up in. Spencer had been foolish as a child to believe her dreams. None of her dreams or ambitions meant anything to the cruel mistress. She didn't care how good Spencer had been or how happy she had been. There was no regard for plans or love, no use reasoning with her either; she's deaf to pleas. She's blind to the suffering she inflicts. Even if she could see it, she wouldn't change it.

The universe was such a cruel place.

When Spencer's eyes were open, they were locked on her daughter. The little girl wasn't crying. She didn't understand. She was only four. How did you explain death to a four year old? It wasn't really possibly. Clara knew that daddy was gone, but Spencer didn't think she understood that he was never coming back. It broke her heart that Clara wouldn't have Wren as a dad anymore. She wouldn't have a dad. She couldn't think about it for long without wanting to sob at the injustice.

It was when they started to lower him into the ground that Spencer felt the tears prickle up in her eyes. It was all so real and it stung.

"Mommy, is daddy in there?" Clara whispered to her. There was so much confusion in her eyes and Spencer hadn't been able to speak. Her chest rose unsteadily. She blessed her lucky stars when Hanna answered for her.

"He's going to heaven, sweetheart," Hanna said as she laid a hand on Clara's shoulder.

Spencer knew her daughter wasn't dumb. She'd begin to ask questions, but for now that answer seemed to satisfy her. She wondered what her daughter imagined her father was doing in a wooden box. Maybe it was like a spaceship that would take Wren to heaven.

Fantasy was better than the reality.

"Mommy, I want Daddy," Clara whimpered out. It only took one movement for her to gather up her daughter in her arms. It was muscle memories. She hadn't even need to look. Her body needed to be holding her daughter tightly. "I just want Daddy."

"I know. I want him too," Spencer sighed as she held her daughter tightly against her. It broke her heart to know that this wasn't like when Wren worked the night shift. Wren wasn't going to be home the next day. Her daughter would always want to have her father there and it would never happen. Spencer could never fulfill that wish.

She wouldn't ever see his smiling face coming through the door.

The minute felt like hours as they lowered the coffin. She could hear the sounds of others crying, but she didn't make a sound. Spencer would be strong for her daughter. Her arms wrapped tightly around her daughter's small frame. The little girl was crying into her neck and it took so much to not cry along with her. Melissa's hand rested against her shoulder. It was meant to be comforting, but instead it just reminded her of her terrible reality. The hand grounded her to the earth and reality. Spencer felt trapped with the grief. Her daughter didn't deserve to feel this sort of pain. It would haunt her for the rest of her life not having her father there. Spencer couldn't imagine how anything could be worse.

By the time it was over, Clara had fallen asleep against her shoulder. It had been exhausting few days for the both of them. The tiny arms clung around her neck and Spencer wouldn't let go of her daughter for anything. It took a little help with her open arm to get off the chair. Her eyes closed for a moment while she took a deep breathe. The coffin was in the ground and Spencer knew that it was over. This chapter of her life was done. It hit her hard that once she walked away from this grave; her life was going to be completely different. She would no longer by Spencer Kingston, wife of beloved Dr. Wren Kingston. That role was over. She was now a widow, a single mother and felt so desperately alone.

Spencer had heard once that grief was an ocean.

Luckily, she had learned to swim in it long ago.

* * *

_The call came in when she was out at lunch with Emily._

_Lunch happened every Wednesday at 1 o'clock sharp. It was a time they both dedicated to each other and their friendship. They would talk about anything and everything. It was never a dull lunch and Spencer would never get sick of Emily's company. She was her one friend that had been with her through everything and was still around. Aria was in Paris that month and Hanna lived in the city. They came around often, but Emily was whom she got to see on a regular basis. It was also Emily that got to experience the worst moments in Spencer's life with her. She had been there through every heartache and pain. They had been through so much with each other, including the good. Emily was the godmother to little Clara and had become Spencer's one true confidant in her town._

_It had been right as her soup came out that her phone rang. Spencer had never used to check her phone at lunch, but since an incident at Clara's daycare, she always made sure that it wasn't something important. Unfortunately, it was._

_It was the hospital. Spencer assumed that it was Wren calling on a break. "Sorry, let me just remind him that it's our lunch date."_

_Her phone dropped in her soup when she heard the news._

" _Spencer, I'm so sorry. I just knew it should come from me instead of someone you didn't know."_

_It didn't feel better hearing it from one of Wren's friends and colleagues at the hospital. Emily looked so concerned across the table, but Spencer hadn't been able to say anything for a few moments. Her eyes were widened and she felt the tears coming._

_Wren was dead._

_Wren was dead._

_Her husband was dead._

_Clara's father was dead._

_It wasn't something that she could say without knowing the implications._

" _That was… He's dead."_

" _Who's dead, Spencer?" Emily still looked confused, but there was an eerie silence between them. It was almost that everything else disappeared as Spencer processed the news._

" _Wren. He, uh, he's dead. Someone hit him with their ca—"_

_The sobs chocked her as she said the words aloud. Her breathing became labored and the sob finally escaped from her throat. She could see people turn around to look at her, but it didn't matter. Her husband was dead. The sobs increased and she covered her face with her hands. IT took only seconds for Emily to be beside her and wrapping her in her arms._

__She had felt this sudden pain before._ _

_This wasn't a pain she ever wanted to go through again._

* * *

" _Where is she?"_

_It was the first thing that Hanna said when she arrived at Spencer's house. She had given Emily a tight hug, but other than that she hadn't said anything. Emily had given Hanna the shortened version over the phone and Hanna had caught the first plane out. Her plans hadn't mattered; this was so much more important. It was the first time one of their significant others had died. This wasn't high school anymore. They all had real lives. Spencer and Wren had a daughter together. A death was much harder now than it was back then. She couldn't imagine what Spencer was feeling._

_There was fear in all of the girls that Spencer would revert back to what she was like when she thought Toby was dead. What would happen to Clara if that happened? This Spencer was much stronger though, she wouldn't just give up. She had so much more to live for this time around._

" _She's in the spare bedroom. Clara is at my house with Paige. I didn't want her to see Spencer like this."_

" _Aria?" Hanna took off her shoes and then she was off. She had stayed in the spare bedroom countless times when she stayed overnight or for a few days. Emily would be following and they really didn't have much time to waste. Hanna couldn't stand the thought of Spencer being alone in this._

" _On her way. She caught the last plane out of Paris. Melissa isn't going to be able to get here until tomorrow. Her parents aren't coming until the weekend."_

_Okay, they could do this. They could handle this. They could make sure nothing bad happened to Spencer while she mourned the death of her husband._

_They were too young to be dealing with this. None of them were old enough to be a widow, let alone Spencer. Hadn't the universe done enough damage on the girl yet?_

_Hanna didn't even knock when she got to the room. A part of her knew that Spencer wouldn't answer anyways. It was time to just take things into her own hands. The sight of Spencer on the bed nearly broke Hanna's strong face. The other girl just looked so broken. Spencer's arms were wrapped around a pillow and Hanna could see where the tears had been falling from her eyes. Hanna moved slowly before she crawled into the bed with Spencer._

" _You didn't have to come," Spencer whispered as she kept her eyes on the pillow in front of her. "There's a big show tonight and—"_

" _And nothing. I was coming no matter what, Spence." Hanna wouldn't have arguing. She knew that if it were her in the position, Spencer would have dropped everything to be with her. "Did Emily tell you Aria's flying in?"_

_Spencer just nodded. The tears were returning to her eyes. Tonight was the night for her to feel everything. Once Clara was back home, she would have to be the mother again. Right now, all she had to be was Spencer. Her friends would take care of her for the night. They always did._

" _I have to plan the funeral and service. I have to tell everyone… I have to tell Clara…" That was what was the most heartbreaking to Spencer. She felt the tears begin to escape her eyes as she thought of telling her daughter that her daddy was never coming home. "How do I even do that, Hanna?"_

_Hanna didn't have the answer. She didn't know how Spencer should tell Clara, precious little Clara the news._

" _I don't know, Spence. But we're here for you. We'll help. You don't have to do this alone. We're here for you and Clara. Just tell me what to do."_

_That would be enough for Spencer._

* * *

"Hey Toby. It's Emily. I don't know if this is still your number, I haven't heard from you in over a year now. I just had to tell you… Wren died last week. The funeral is on Friday. I haven't seen Spencer this bad in a long time. She's hurting and she needs… I think she needs you. I know that something weird happened between the two of you in high school, but she needs someone to lean on. You just have to promise that I didn't call you. Last time I told you to come to town, I almost got kicked out of the friend circle for calling you without telling her. If you come, just call me, okay? She's broken, Toby. Okay, bye."

* * *

"Momma?"

Clara's voice cut through the room and Spencer's attention was automatically drawn to her daughter. She must have woken up from her nap. It was earlier than Spencer expected. "I'm over here."

Spencer sat on the couch next to Melissa. After everything when they were younger, Spencer had actually become friends with her sister again. When Wren and Spencer had gotten married, Melissa had been one of her bridesmaids. The trust had been built back up between the two of them. It had taken a while, but when it happened Spencer couldn't have been happier about it. Sisters were supposed to stick together. Plus, Melissa was so wonderful with Clara. Her daughter absolutely clung to "Auntie M" when she was in town. Of course Melissa always brought presents with her, but that was beside the point.

The guests of the reception had already left. All that was left was Melissa and the other girls at the house. The sisters had been talking while the other girls cleaned up the mess.

"Hey, munchkin," Melissa teased as she swept Clara up and set the little girl on her lap. "Did you have a good nap?" Clara just nodded. It was evident in just her hair that Clara had slept well. The brown hair was sprawled strangely aloft her head. The curls that Hanna had taken hours to perfect were faded, only rings were left at the end of Clara's shoulder length hair cut. Just the sight of Clara could make Spencer smile. The love she felt for her daughter was like nothing she had felt before. It was so strong and fierce. Sometimes she felt like she acted like a lion instead of a human at points when her child was in some sort of danger (be it physical or emotional).

"Momma. When is Daddy going to get home from heaven? Is it going to be a long vacation?"

The question had hit Spencer hard. Of course her daughter would think of it like a vacation. Wren and her went on vacations and work trips too often. But heaven wasn't like London or Argentina. It wasn't a place that you came back from with gifts.

"Clara, honey. We talked about this remember? Daddy died. He's not going to come home."

The words seemed so harsh, but Spencer couldn't think of any other way to put it. She couldn't lie and say he would come home, that would only be a lie and she made a promise to stop lying a long time ago. Clara looked so confused and Spencer knew in that instance that Wren would have been able to explain it so much better and eloquently. He always knew what to say to their daughter when she asked the hard questions. Now the questions were about him and Spencer didn't have a clue on how to say the right things.

"But doesn't he want to come back?"

The question was hard and Spencer couldn't keep from crying anymore. The tears stung her eyes before they fell.

"Of _course_ he does, Clara. Daddy would love nothing more than to be with us. But he can't. Heaven is really far away and he can never come back." The tears were few, but her response only caused more confusion in Clara's face.

"Are you going to die?"

The question shocked even Melissa with the bluntness of it. Spencer's eyes flickered to catch Melissa's gaze for a moment, but no answers came from there. Melissa was just as taken back as she was. Spencer didn't want her daughter to worry, but she wouldn't lie and say she wouldn't die.

Death was coming for all of them. It was only a matter of timing.

"Everyone dies, but Mommy isn't going to leave you for a long time."

If Spencer could help it, nothing bad would happen to her for the rest of Clara's childhood. She didn't need to go through the loss of another parent. Clara seemed to take this response well. Melissa pressed a kiss to Clara's head. The innocence of her was heartbreaking in this situation. Melissa's hand reached out to grab Spencer's and squeeze it tightly.

It was a reminder.

_I'm here for you_.

Spencer knew that so many people were there for her and Clara. It just felt like someone was missing. It felt like she wouldn't be able to heal without something else. Spencer couldn't put her finger on 'it' was though.

* * *

'It' showed up on her door the next night after Clara had fallen asleep and after everyone had left.

Her saving grace showed up in the form of the person that had shattered her heart 10 years previous.

She thought she'd never see him again. He had said she'd never see him again.

Apparently that had changed in the last five years.

"Toby."


	2. May 2023 - It's Been A Long Time

“Toby?”

Maybe he was an illusion.

Spencer hadn’t slept for more than 2 hours a night since she had found out Wren had died. It was the first time she had been alone as well in her house. Maybe her lack of sleep was finally catching up to her. But why would her mind show her Toby instead of Wren? It was just another cruel twist in her mind. Spencer didn’t know what to say, so instead she just stared. It had to be reality because he looked different than the last time she had seen him. He looked older. His eyes were still the light blue that she had fallen in love with. His jawline was covered in light scruff. Toby was different. This wasn’t the boy that she had fallen in love with in high school. This was a man. Toby didn’t have the boyish look anymore. His looks had been replaced by the look of someone who had obviously matured since the last time she had seen him. Spencer knew she shouldn’t have been surprised that he aged (she had aged as well), but she was. It just reminded her that life had begun to pass all of them by.

Five years had past since she’d seen him last. Maybe that was the threshold. It had been five years previous to that when he had broken her heart.

“Spencer,” his voice was rough and there was a maturity there that hadn’t been before. “I heard about Wren.” Toby’s hands stayed in his jacket’s pockets. Spencer knew that she should be mad at Emily for calling Toby (because the girl was the only one that had ever contacted him), but she wasn’t. There was a comfort from just seeing him. “I just wanted to come and see how you were.”  

Toby didn’t apologize. It surprised Spencer slightly. That was all Spencer had heard for the past week. There had been so many “I’m so sorry”s from people who had nothing to do with the accident. What were they sorry for? They hadn’t done anything. Spencer didn’t know what to say when people apologized to her. She knew it was their way of trying to comfort her, but it didn’t work. This was nothing an apology could fix.

Wren was dead. Nothing was going to fix that. If someone could fix it, Spencer would have done it already.

“I’m fine,” Spencer said with her words, but it didn’t match her feelings. It didn’t match anything really. Her face was sunken in; her eyes were still red from crying. There wasn’t anything “fine” about her. Spencer was just tired. She was already tired of grieving and being this person. She wondered if that made her a bad or horrible person. Grieving was exhausting and Spencer didn’t think she could handle much more of it. “Do you want to come in?”

The words surprised her. It hadn’t been what she meant to say. It was already past ten o’clock in the evening. Her daughter was asleep in her room, but none of it mattered. There was something about the man standing at the door that made her want to invite him in. Toby had traveled from God-knows-where to see if she was doing fine. That made him deserve at least a cup of tea in her mind. Toby just nodded his agreement and Spencer shut the door quietly behind him. It wasn’t as awkward as she thought it would be. He just followed her into the living room. The silence wasn’t awkward. It made her feel strange, but in a way of remembering something she hadn’t felt in a long time. She couldn’t put her finger on what it was though.

“Do you want some coffee?” Spencer asked as she tilted her head slightly to watch as he sat down on the couch. Toby laughed at the question and it might have been the first time someone other than Clara had laughed in the house since Wren had died. There had been no room for laughter. The grief was suffocating. It felt good to hear it.

“I’m good,” Toby responded with a smile. “Although I don’t think that you should be having any more coffee, Spence.”

The nickname rolled into the room and Spencer didn’t know why it had such an effect on her. Here she was, grieving the lost of her husband, but a simple nickname from a man who broke her heart could make her heart pound a little bit faster. The feeling faded fast at his next question.

“When did you sleep last?” The question wasn’t a softball question, but who was she to think that Toby would have small talk at a time like this.

“I slept last night.”

“I mean _really_ slept,” Toby countered. Still after all this time, he knew exactly what she meant. Did she look that horrible that everyone told she hadn’t slept? Spencer sighed at the question. It took a few moments for her to make her way around the coffee table to be able to sit on the couch opposite of Toby. He was right that she didn’t need any more coffee. Spencer was just running on fumes at this point. The coffee would just cause more pain in the long run. Her eyes shut momentarily before she thought about how to respond. Of course he knew that she hadn’t been sleeping. Everyone probably did.

“Before he died,” Spencer responded with a small shrug. “I just haven’t been able to sleep knowing that…” She stopped as she really thought about what she was going to say. Toby had never been Wren’s biggest fan and after what happened five years ago, Spencer was sure he wouldn’t want to hear about how much Spencer missed her husband.

“You haven’t been able to sleep without him,” Toby responded for her. There was no hurt in his eyes or anything like that. His eyes were just full of understanding and concern. If she could just see his eyes, Spencer would be transported back to high school. He still looked at her with the same care as he did back then. It was just Toby. He was always worried about everyone and how they felt.

“I actually—I haven’t even been sleeping in our bedroom.”

Spencer could feel the tears starting to rise to her eyes. It was the first time she had even told anyone that out loud. It was too much information to be talking to Toby about. She had seen him once in ten years, but Spencer still felt some sort of connection. Even though so much time had passed and feelings had changed, Spencer still felt like she could talk to him. He hadn’t only been her boyfriend. He had been one of her best friends back then.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” Spencer tried to deflect the conversation. A stray tear had fallen onto her cheek and she moved to push it away quickly. If she wiped it away quickly, then maybe he wouldn’t notice that she had cried.

Toby didn’t even take a notice to her trying to blow off her feelings. Instead he leaned in, just slightly, as he continued to take her in. “When was the last time you were alone? Not just for a few minutes, but really alone to have some time?”

“I don’t need—“

“ _Mommy_?”

The small voice interrupted their talk. Her attention automatically went to her daughter. “Now, shouldn’t you be in bed?” Spencer asked with a smile as she wiped away any remanding tears on her face. Clara just shrugged and yawned. She was almost halfway to Spencer before she noticed the man in the room with them. Her little eyebrows crinkled together in confusion as she tried to figure out if she knew who he was. Clara carefully crawled into Spencer’s lap and made sure that she could keep her eyes on Toby.

“This is Mommy’s friend, Toby,” Spencer spoke softly and her entire demeanor had changed. Her arms wrapped lightly around her daughter and she pushed aside all her emotions to focus on Clara. The change wasn’t lost to Toby. He sat up a bit straighter on the couch.

“Hi, Toby,” Clara said with a smile. She leaned against Spencer’s chest as they all sat on the couch. “I’m Clara Kingston.” Toby laughed at the introduction. Spencer _almost_ laughed. It was the first time she had even come close to a real laugh.

“And how old are you, Clara Kingston?” Toby asked with a smile. Spencer stayed quiet. A part of her desperately wanted to know how their interaction would go. Toby had never met her daughter before. And Clara was usually a good judge of character when it came to people. It was one of the reasons that she had stopped coming into the firm with Spencer. Spencer would never get any clients when her daughter was pointing out if people were guilty or not.

“I am four years old, almost _five_ ,” Clara said with a grin. Spencer could feel the energy rising within her daughter. Spencer leaned her chin against the top of Clara’s head and watched as Toby faked surprised at the age.

“I could have sworn you were older. Are you sure you’re only four?”

“I’m _going_ to be five. Weren’t you listening?” Clara asked and Spencer wished she could see her face as she spoke because the reaction on Toby’s face was priceless. Her daughter had obviously gotten a lot of her own attributes. “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a carpenter,” Toby answered before he shook his head as if he realized that Clara would probably have no idea what that meant. “I build things for people. Whatever they want, I can build it.”

“Can you build me a tree house?” Clara’s eyes went wide as Toby just laughed. Spencer felt a bit of shock that her daughter would just bluntly ask for something like that from someone that she barely knew.

“Clara!” Spencer exclaimed softly as she shook her head at her daughter.

“ _Please_ can you build a tree house for me?” Clara asked again and Spencer almost laughed again. Toby just was smiling and nodding. Spencer wondered if Toby would actually do it or if this was just another visit where she wouldn’t hear from him again for another 5 years. Before she could even really think about it, Spencer was brought back into the conversation.

“Mommy, can we _please_ watch a movie?”

Clara’s attention was quickly back onto Spencer and a sigh rolled through her body. She had hoped this was just going to be a plea to go lay with Clara or something where she didn’t have to be awake anymore. Clara had even used ‘please’ and Spencer knew that she wasn’t in a mood to deny her daughter anything after the past week. “Baby, you’re supposed to be asleep already.”

“I took a nap today. I can’t sleep. I’m too awake!” Clara said as she raised her arms to make the point that she was awake. Spencer rolled her neck as she could feel the tiredness rise up inside of her. She didn’t know if she could make it through a movie and she definitely didn’t trust her daughter to be running around the house by herself. Before she could even respond to her daughter, Toby spoke up again. Spencer had almost forgotten that he was there while she was talking to Clara.

“I can stay up and watch a movie with her, Spencer. And then you can go have some alone time,” Toby offered with a smile towards Clara. Spencer’s eyes flickered to Clara for a moment who just nodded fiercely at the suggestion.

“Toby, I don’t know…” Spencer’s eyes crinkled in the same way that Clara’s had when she first came into the room. She hadn’t seen Toby in 5 years and she was just supposed to let him watch her daughter while she went to sleep. Spencer’s protective instinct was telling her that she wasn’t supposed to do it. It only took a few words to convince her otherwise.

“Spencer, we’ll be fine. I promise.”  

“Toby, you don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”

“I promised you a long time ago that I’d be there for you. I don’t plan on breaking that promise any time soon. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

There was nothing but honesty in his eyes. Spencer was too fired to argue about it. 

Deep down, Spencer still trusted Toby.

* * *

Spencer still looked gorgeous.

The years had been good to her. She looked different, but in such a good way. The last time he had seen her, she wasn’t grown up like she was now. Grief aged her face now. It was something that would lighten as the grief did. The lines in her forehead had deepened slightly. The bags under her eyes didn’t do her justice, but she was still gorgeous in Toby’s eyes. Toby forced his gaze to stay about her chest, because otherwise then he would have notice _just_ how much her body had changed and have the feelings that he didn’t want to have.

Toby had come that night just to comfort Spencer after the call from Emily.

The little girl looked just like Spencer. It had taken Toby back when the little girl first entered the room. The hair, the look, everything just _screamed_ Spencer Hast—Spencer Kingston. The moments where she was just staring at him, a rush of emotions flooded through him. This was _Spencer’s_ daughter. She was a product of the woman in front of him, the woman that still held his heart all these years later. But she was also part of Wren, Spencer’s _husband_ who had just died. Everything that he had thought he would feel was thrown out as soon as he was actually feeling it. There wasn’t a lack of emotion or anything like that. He felt connected to her already just because Spencer was her mother. It took much of the strength he had to push back any other thoughts he’d have. Toby had promised long ago that he wouldn’t allow himself to think about it. All he could think about was the present. Not the past.

Toby had only imagined what Spencer would look like as a mother.

He remembered the conversations him and Spencer had about all that a long time ago. He could tell within the first few seconds that Spencer was a much better than he ever thought she’d be. Just by being an outsider looking in, he could see the deep connection Spencer had with her daughter.

_Clara_.

It fit her so well. Toby had never imagined that he’d meet Spencer’s child. Emily had told him about her once in a conversation, but nothing other than Spencer had a healthy baby girl. That was all he wanted to know. He had planned on being out of Spencer’s life forever, but now things had changed. This was a time that Spencer needed a friend and Toby was determined to be that friend. When he had heard the news about Wren, Toby knew that he needed to do something. He couldn’t just go on with his mundane everyday life, not knowing that Spencer was hurting and could need something. That conversation… Toby had planned on it being their last.

Deep down, Toby had always silently hoped that someday, something would change. He hadn’t ever hoped anything bad for Wren though. That was never what he wanted. Toby would never wish on someone the pain of losing a parent. He had been through that intense pain. He never wished for anything to happen to him. Toby could see Wren in Clara as well. It was subtler than her Spencer attributes. Toby knew that the more he saw Clara, the more he would find the similarities between the two of them.

“Can I ask you a question, Toby?” Clara asked as she tilted his head to stare up at him. “You’ll talk to me like a grown up, right?”

Spencer had helped pick out a movie with Clara before tentatively leaving them alone together. Toby had finished getting it all set up and was about to start the movie when Clara asked the question. Toby just nodded his head before he finished turning off the lights. Spencer had whispered that Clara would probably fall asleep in the middle and then to get Spencer up. Toby knew that he wouldn’t do that. If Spencer were asleep when he checked, Toby would leave her asleep. There was no reason for her to get interrupted when Toby could make sure everything was alright. Toby knew that he had a lot to make up for and it was long past time for him to start.

“What’s the question?” He asked as he sunk into the couch next to Clara.

“I was just wondering… what’s heaven? Why did Daddy have to go there?” Clara asked quietly. Her head had turned slightly, as if to make sure that her mother wasn’t in ear range. “Mommy always starts to cry when I talk to her about it and I don’t want to make her cry.”

His chest rose and fell slowly as he thought about the question. He wondered if anyone had really sat Clara down and explained to her what had happened. Toby didn’t know any of the answers and he wouldn’t lie to her either. She stared at him with eyes that resembled Spencer’s so incredibly much. He had promised not to lie to Spencer and it seemed to have something that his mind passed on to her daughter as well.

“I don’t know, Clara,” Toby started with a shake of his head. “I don’t know why your dad had to go to heaven. Sometimes, bad things just happen. And it sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. But what is heaven? Is it like a vacation?” Clara asked. Toby could still see the confusion on her little face. There was little light coming from the television but that was it. He wondered what Spencer would want him to say about heaven. She had never been overly religious, but ‘heaven’ seemed to be where people told kids that dead people went. Toby didn’t know if he believed that.

“Heaven is supposed to make people feel better. People that are alive and dead. It just means that your dad isn’t in any pain,” Toby could feel his own forehead crinkling in confusion. He didn’t know if anything he was saying made any sense. He had never been the best about explaining things. “My mom died too.”

It seemed to grab Clara’s attention away from just the subject about heaven. “Were you really sad, Toby?” Clara asked softly. The crinkle of confusion had started to go away as the confusion was replaced by different emotions.

“I was. And I still get sad about it sometimes,” Toby admitted as he looked from the little girl to the television. Losing a parent was never easy. It wasn’t something that you just got over. The pain had stuck with him since she had died. There wouldn’t be a time where he didn’t miss her. “But, I always remember that my mom wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time. She’d want me to have fun too.” His smile had slipped slightly and somehow Clara had picked up on the change in just his face. Before he could realize it, Clara’s small hand grabbed onto his tightly. It had gone from him trying to comfort her to the exact opposite.

“It’s okay. Because Daddy has someone to hang out with in heaven now. I didn’t want him to get lonely, but now that _your_ mommy is there, they can be friends,” a smile lit across Clara’s face and Toby was taken aback by the sentence. There was so much innocence in her and it was refreshing to see that it still existed in the world.

“But if you get really sad,” Toby continued as he gave a soft squeeze to Clara’s hand, “you should talk to your mom. When my mom died and I was really sad about it, she was the one that helped me through it.”

Clara’s eyes widened at the realization, but she just nodded her head quickly afterword. “Mommy’s a good mommy.” There was so much pride in Clara’s voice that Toby had to laugh a bit. He didn’t know how in one conversation he could start to feel protective over Clara and that he had known her for a long time before the evening. The innocence and goodness shined through her and Toby’s heart took a vow to make sure that nobody ever broke that for her.

“Toby,” Clara asked after a moment of silence. “Are you going to leave tomorrow like Auntie Hanna and Auntie Aria?”

Toby didn’t know what he had been expecting to do once he got to the town. He hadn’t even really thought about it. If there was any chance that Spencer, _or_ Clara, needed him, Toby wouldn’t leave. There had to be work around for him to do a few jobs while he made sure that everything was taken care of. There was just sadness in Clara’s voice at the thought of someone else leaving and Toby wouldn’t be the one to break her heart.

“I’m here as long as you and your mommy want me here.”

* * *

Spencer leaned against the doorframe. There was a part of her that didn’t know if she could trust Toby. Everything that happened was such a long time ago, but there was still a part of her who was that scared, little girl whose heart was broken by the same man that was watching her daughter. Spencer could trust, but she had to verify before she fully relaxed enough to leave the two alone together. It was obvious within the first minute that Clara trusted him. The question she asked Toby made Spencer shutter slightly. She found herself almost going into the room, but she held herself back. She had to let this happen. If they needed anything, Spencer would go in. Maybe Toby could help Clara in ways that Spencer hadn’t been able to. Nobody really had been able to quench the little girl’s thirst for knowledge about the subject for more than a few hours. Their answers of the ambiguous ‘heaven’ weren’t good enough for Clara anymore. She did take after Spencer in that exact way. 

Spencer wished she had the answers for her daughter, but she didn’t even have the answers for herself.

One hand reached up and clenched at the top of her shirt, as she heard how her daughter didn’t want to make her cry. It only made her want to cry again.  Spencer had been trying to be so strong for Clara, but even her daughter could see past her brave face. All Spencer wanted was her daughter to be okay with Wren’s death, but she wasn’t helping the healing process. If anything, she was hurting it by refusing to really talk about it with Clara. Spencer was glad that Toby had come, even if it was just for this conversation. They could relate to each other and maybe this would help Clara heal.

Her heart stung as she heard Toby talk about how she had helped him through his mother’s death. Spencer had tried, but then everything had gotten confusing again. IT was a time in her life that she had so desperately tried to forget, but just the subtle hint about it made her sting at the memory. Even after the scar had healed, sometimes the knife would still feel inside of you.

Toby was there for her. He wasn’t going to leave until she told him to.

Spencer didn’t think she could tell anyone to leave.

Let alone Toby.  

After hearing the conversation between her daughter and Toby, Spencer felt comfortable enough to finally make her way to her bedroom. It was the first time she had been in the room since she had heard Wren died. It was strange knowing that the room wasn’t _their_ ’s anymore. It was hers. There was no more ‘their’ stuff anymore. It was just her’s. Her hand trembled as she held onto the doorknob. She didn’t know if she was ready for that to be the reality.

It was really the last thing that she kept a hold of without disturbing. She had been able to avoid the bedroom, but now she was going to stop avoiding it. It couldn’t become a part of her home she ignored forever. Her daughter was fine and Spencer felt _safe_ knowing that Toby was in the house. There was nobody else in the house and nobody else that was intent on ‘watching her’. Even though her friends and family were wonderful and supportive, they still treated her like she was fragile. It was like if she broke down, then she would never get all the pieces back together. Spencer didn’t want to be treated fragile like that.

Spencer _wasn’t_ fragile.

She wasn’t the same girl as she was ten years ago. If something happened, she would deal with it. She had a daughter to think about.

Toby was the first person to push her to believe that she wasn’t okay. Just by being there and saying so little, he had already pushed her past her comfortable level that she was cruising at. It wasn’t harsh or cruel, all his words were knowing and said with an understanding. If Spencer didn’t go into the bedroom and allow herself to be alone for a while, the healing wouldn’t begin.

The small amount of strength she had left was used to open the bedroom door. Spencer knew logically she shouldn’t be afraid of a room, but she was terrified of it. The room looked exactly how she had left it the morning that Wren had died. Nothing was out of place. How was everything still so put together when she was falling apart? It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. She shouldn’t have to be dealing with a dead husband and a daughter before she was thirty years old. She shouldn’t have to deal with her ex sitting in the living room being so _wonderful_ after everything that had happened between the two of them.

Spencer shouldn’t be having feelings for the ex.

Even after all this time, after her husband _died,_ Toby still got her heart racing for him.

The sobs came before she even felt them coming. Spencer felt her body rack and it only took a few footsteps and a trip and she was on the bed. Spencer loved Wren. She had loved him and he had been the one she chose long ago, but with Toby there, she had imagined just for a split second what life would have been like if it had been him instead of Wren. And she hated herself for that split-second thought.

Spencer could never resent her decision to be with Wren. It had been the right thing. Spencer Kingston always did the right thing for her and her daughter. That had what she dedicated herself to all those years ago.

Her heart apparently hadn’t gotten the message.

Spencer slowly shifted herself over to Wren’s side of the bed. She could still smell his aftershave on his pillow. There was a comfort in just smelling him again. Her arms wrapped around the pillow as she closed her eyes. Spencer knew that eventually the smell would fade. Eventually everything that had been distinctly his would become hers. Her heart ached at the thought.

Spencer allowed herself to sob. She didn’t try to stop the tears from falling. She allowed herself to fully grieve: for Clara, for his patients, for his friends, for his family, for _herself_.

* * *

Spencer shouldn’t have been surprised that Toby hadn’t woken her up. She had slept until 10 the next morning without stop. A small panic ran through her once she saw the time. She quickly pulled on a robe before she rushed out of her room. Heaven forbid if Clara had been left alone… She was quickly met with the smell of pancakes and her heart raced faster.

It wasn’t until she reached the kitchen and saw Clara _and_ Toby cooking breakfast that she relaxed slightly.

“Mommy! You slept _forever_ ,” Clara said with a grin as she helped pour some batter onto the stove. “We’re making pancakes!”

“I can see that, baby,” Spencer said with a smile as she tied her robe together in the front. The sight gave her a great deal of comfort and _happiness_. She leaned against the wall as she watched Toby help Clara continue to make the pancakes. It was obvious that Toby hadn’t left; his clothes were still the same. All it took was a smile from Spencer and Toby nodded in understanding. It was a thank you. This was the first time she had slept in a week and it was made possible by Toby. And here he was the next morning. Still in her house and he didn’t look like he had anywhere else he’d rather be.

Maybe he had been telling the truth.

Maybe he was here to stay as long as she needed him.

Spencer hated that her heart fluttered at the thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've mapped out the overlay of most of the story now. eventually the chapters will be longer as i figure it all out and get into the core of it. any comments are so appreciated and cherished!


	3. May 2023 - Smile With Me, Cry With Me

"Where are you even staying, Toby?"

It had been 3 weeks since Toby had first showed up on Spencer's doorstep. Most of the people who came for the funeral had gone back to their real lives, but not Toby. In those two weeks, Toby had always been available and made his way slowly into her and Clara's lives. There had only been two days that Spencer hadn't seen him or talked to him in some sorts.

It didn't even seem like he was staying around for her anymore. Clara and Toby had developed such a deep relationship in such a short amount of time. After their talk that first night, something must have clicked inside of Clara's head because the little girl was back to being her bubbly self.

Toby had brought her daughter back to life.

Ever since the first night, Clara had been determined to keep Toby in her life. It seemed like every morning that Clara would ask her mother if Toby could come over. It would only take a few 'please' and Spencer would call Toby. It was the first time that she had his number in ten years. She hadn't even entered it into her phone with his name. What if one day he didn't come back? Then it would just be another number, and memory, to delete of his. It was one of the small things that Spencer could control. Toby had just as suddenly became a part of her life again as he had disappeared from her life all those years ago. Spencer didn't have the heart to tell Clara that she couldn't see Toby.

Spencer didn't have the heart to do that to _herself_ , either.

The happiness of her daughter had helped bring Spencer out of the depression she had felt herself falling into. Spencer wasn't going to give that up so easily. She wanted to be happy again for her daughter. Her daughter deserved to have a parent. Spencer wouldn't let herself slip away into grief.

"Just some motel," Toby answered as he put away the clean pans that she had washed already. There had become a routine; Spencer washed the dishes and Toby put them away. It was just as fluid and practiced as if they had been doing it for years. It had only taken Toby a day to figure out where nearly everything was in her house.

Spencer tried to not compare it to when Wren had been there. She didn't like to think about how much less awkward it was moving with Toby in the kitchen. It had been an absolute mess with Wren, but that hadn't been a bad thing. Usually, Spencer would sit back with her coffee and read the newspaper to Wren when they were cleaning up.

This was different. It wasn't better or worst, just simply different. Spencer wouldn't compare the two.

"Oh," Spencer said softly as she continued to wash the pan in front of her. Clara had run upstairs to change. Clara wanted to go to the park, so Toby had agreed to take her while Spencer met up with Emily. It would be nice for her to have some time to hang out with Emily alone. "I've been thinking about someway to repay you for all you've been doing with Clara."

"You don't have to repay me, Spencer."

It had been a thought in her mind since the first few days. When it was clear that he wasn't just going to drop off the face of the planet again, Spencer knew she had to do something for the man. Toby had practically moved to the town and Spencer didn't enjoy the fact that he was staying at a motel. That seemed so informal and silly considering the circumstances. Toby was there by the time Clara woke up most mornings and there till well after she was asleep. Even if Spencer and Toby didn't speak, it was comforting to know that he was there. It wasn't just her alone with Clara in their big empty house.

"Let me finish. I was thinking maybe you could stay here," Spencer said before realizing how forward that seemed when she had finally said it out loud. She hadn't meant it like _that_.

"I meant," Spencer interrupted as she turned around. The oversized yellow gloves were still on her hands as she blushed slightly in a bit of embarrassment at her choice of words. "I meant… you could stay in the pool house. We had it redone in the fall for visitors, but it has everything for someone to stay in it. I mean it's at least better than a motel room."

"That would be wonderful."

* * *

It was the first time that they had lunch together since Wren had died. Spencer hadn't even been able to think about going back to the same restaurant. It would surely just send her back to the day when she found out about Wren's death. She would remember exactly how the day happened and Spencer was trying to move forward from it. She would remember how she had absolutely broken down inside of the restaurant. Spencer didn't want to relive that memory. Instead, Emily had chosen a little diner on the outskirts. It was small and perfect for Spencer's first lunch with Emily.

Spencer knew that Emily was dying for more information about Toby. They had only talked a bit about him being in town and what that meant, but nothing in detail. And Spencer needed a friend to talk to about it all. She needed someone that wasn't going to judge her about her feelings or situation. Emily was the perfect person to do all of that.

"I offered Toby to stay in the pool house."

Emily's eyebrows rose at the information and Spencer took a sip of her coffee to steady herself. She knew that the other girl was going to have a lot of questions and Spencer didn't know if she'd be able to explain them all.

"Don't look at me like that. He's over all the time to hang out with Clara anyways and it's… it's nice not to be alone."

Spencer wondered how different the conversation would have been with any of her other friends. It was Emily who was the most non-judgmental when it had come to all of this. But Spencer could still see the hesitation in her gaze. Spencer couldn't explain why this had all happened so suddenly. She hadn't meant for it to happen. It was Toby that came to her and stayed. She didn't go out searching for him.

"How does Clara feel about this?" Emily asked as she kept her gaze on Spencer.

"Em, you've seen them together. She absolutely _adores_ him," the stress vanished from her face as she pictured how happy her daughter was. It was the main reason that Spencer allowed Toby a space in her life. Clara did absolutely adore him and Spencer wouldn't take someone else important away from her. "They're going to the park today while we have lunch."

"How do _you_ feel about it then?" Emily asked.

"Are you asking as a therapist or as my friend?" Spencer responded. She knew that the therapist side of Emily would come out eventually during their conversation. All it took was a small tilt of Emily's head to know that she was talking as both. "It makes Clara happy and that makes me happy."

"Spencer. Clara would be happy with a puppy, but you're not going to get one of those," Emily teased as she tried to lighten the conversation.

"That's different. I'm not going to make her lose someone else, not now," her voice was quieter than usual. "Neither of us is ready to lose someone again."

There was a silence and Spencer could tell that Emily was trying to think of the 'right' thing to say in this situation. It was different than with one of her patients. Spencer wasn't her patient; she was her friend. Spencer knew that Emily cared about what she said, but she wished that Emily would say something instead of just letting Spencer sit with what she had said.

"Have you guys talked about what happened five years ago? I know that you were mad at me for a while, but I just—"

"We haven't," Spencer interrupted as she closed her eyes. Her heart stung at the memory. She had pushed it aside for so long. It hurt to talk about, so she never did. "There's nothing to say about it. I thought I'd never see him again when he left that night."

"Spence," Emily pushed.

"I chose Wren. I chose Clara. I _chose_ this life," Spencer responded. She knew that if she talked too much more about it, she'd start to cry and that wasn't what this lunch was about. "I told him that. We don't have to discuss it anymore. I don't know why he broke up with me in high school. I don't need to know. It happened and now we're here."

"Even after all of that, you want to have him living in your backyard?" Emily asked after a few moments. Spencer had needed to catch her breath. Even just thinking about what had happened caused Spencer to remember the hurt that she had felt. Obviously she hadn't moved on as well as she liked to believe. She could remember the exact moment he had shown up at her door, just like he had 3 weeks ago, but it was so different then.

"It's nice having someone there," Spencer said with a slight shoulder shrug. "It's allowed me to go back to work. I trust him with Clara and you know how hard it was for me to find a nanny last summer."

There had been nearly 50 girls before Spencer had chosen someone to watch Clara while both her and Wren had been working. It wasn't an easy job to get. Spencer had to be sure of so much before she let anyone watch Clara that wasn't family or friends. She had seen too many cases that involved children to do anything to put her daughter in potential risk.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you what Rosie did last night!" Emily knew that that part of the conversation needed to be closed. It was easy to put the attention back on their kids. Emily could talk about her 6 month old for hours on end.

Emily had been the one to call Toby in the first place. She had seen a change in Spencer during the two weeks. There was still clearly hurt about Wren, but she could see that the girl was healing. She was healing more than if she had just been alone. There had always been something about Toby that had brought out the real Spencer.

* * *

"It's my birthday in 3 days," Clara reminded as she pushed herself up in the air on the swing.

Toby sat next to her on the other swing. He had offered to push her on the swings, but Clara was animate that she could do it herself. It gave Toby a nice break from chasing the little girl around the play yard. The swings were a nice change from playing tag. Clara could move faster than he had originally thought. Plus he couldn't climb the jungle gym as quickly as she could.

"Oh really? I couldn't imagine that," Toby teased as he kept his feet stable on the ground. He had never been big on swing sets. He liked the ground much more than the sky. "You haven't told me that for the past 4 days or anything."

"Mommy says that sarcasm is _bad_ ,"

"How do you even know that word?" Toby asked with a small chuckle. "And what Mommy doesn't know isn't going to hurt her."

"Do you know what Mom is going to get me?" Clara asked as she continued to try to get her legs pumping underneath herself. It was such a "Clara" question to ask. She didn't like surprises, just like her mother hadn't ever. When Toby had imagined Spencer as a child, she behaved exactly like Clara. There was more politeness in Clara than he had imagined in Spencer, but he knew that probably came from Wren.

"I don't. It's a surprise."

Toby laughed as Clara completely sighed in such a dramatic way. It was obvious that wasn't the answer Clara had been hoping for.

"I hope it isn't any more clothes. I want a kitty."

"Anything can happen, bud," Toby replied. Toby couldn't imagine Spencer getting Clara a kitten or a puppy for her birthday. Toby knew some of the little things that Spencer had planned for Clara's birthday party, but that was about it. "I'm sure she'll get you something fun. Are you excited for your birthday?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Clara exclaimed with a grin. "My party is going to be so awesome. You're going to be there, right?"

"I wouldn't miss it," Toby answered. It was so weird how quickly Clara had made her way into his heart. He honestly hadn't known how long he was going to stay when he showed up on Spencer's door. All he knew was that he had to be there for Spencer. He had stayed for them both.

Toby stayed because Clara wanted him there.

He stayed because Spencer needed him there.

* * *

"Is she asleep?" Toby asked as Spencer entered the living room again. She nodded her head as she looked at what was on the television.

"Baseball?" Spencer teased softly. "You've really grown up if this is what you like to watch now."

Toby just laughed at her joke and ignored it. Even though it was June, Spencer still was freezing in her house. Clara and Wren had always been warm and Spencer was stuck being the one that had to huddle in sweatshirts and blankets when the air conditioning was turned on during hot days. Luckily, they kept many spare blankets tucked away in one of the dressers in the living room. Wren would always tease her about how many layers she'd wear even in the summer. Spencer was about to pull out her favorite blanket when a piece of paper fell from on top of it. Her eyebrows crinkled together in confusion. Spencer always kept things organized. Paper was never in the blanket drawer.

She bent over to pick it up before she realized just what the piece of paper was. An involuntary small gasp left her lips as she lifted herself back into a standing position. Spencer didn't want to read it. She wished it wasn't what she thought it was.

"Spencer?" Toby asked, but Spencer could only stare at the piece of paper in her hand. She knew that when she unfolded it, she would be transported back. But she needed to read it. She completely ignored Toby as she opened the piece of paper slowly.

Of course, Spencer had been right. It had been what she was terribly afraid of it being. Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she began to read the note. The tears had already started to come by the time she had finished reading it. The note was short and sweet, just like everything from Wren was.

" _To my always freezing wife. I promise to always keep you warm. Take my warmth. Just grow old with me. Always, your loving husband."_

Spencer's hand reached up to cover her mouth as she felt a sob rise within her. It was these gentle reminders that absolutely destroyed her. She wondered if this would be the last note that she would ever find or if he had hidden more around the house.

"Spencer… what is it?" Toby asked. He had already moved off the couch by the time Spencer had looked towards him. The tears finally began to fall more once she locked eyes with his. Her hand reached out slightly to hand him the note. She didn't have the strength to speak. Once she did, there would surely be sobs that would shake her body. His eyes flickered back and forth as he looked at the note and Spencer knew that her fight against the sobs would be in vain. The note reminded Spencer about how her heart was still in pieces over Wren's death.

There would be _no_ future with him. She wouldn't be able to grow old with him. That wasn't a possibility anymore. All their future plans weren't gone. All Spencer's plan for her life had to be readjusted. There'd never be more children of theirs. Clara would never have any full siblings. There would never be any trips to England that would involve Wren pointing out everyplace he had once lived. They'd never get to go on their second honeymoon that they planned for their ten-year anniversary. The lack of their future hurt the most. All the memories that Spencer had now were the only ones that she'd have of him. She'd never see his smile again, or feel the comfort of his embrace again.

Wren had been there for her through so much. How could Spencer have been with Wren for nearly 10 years and not fallen in love with him?

She fell in love with Wren slowly. Spencer knew that Wren loved her. Wren wanted to take care of her. Since the very beginning, Wren was dependable and he looked at Spencer like she was the most wonderful person in the entire world. Wren would have _given_ her the world if he could. Spencer couldn't have asked for anything better in a husband. He was comfortable and good for her. He was good for _Clara_.

See, she hadn't even thought of the lack of future for Wren with Clara. Wren had so desperately wanted a girl when Spencer was pregnant. All he could talk and dream about was walking her down the isle, bringing her to father daughter dances, and having all the father daughter moments he had ever wanted. It absolutely devastated Spencer to know that Wren would never have that. He'd never have any of it. He'd never get the chance to see Clara go to kindergarten for the first time. He would never get the chance to hold her hand on Christmas morning anymore. There would be no more holidays together. It wasn't _fair_ that he didn't get to experience that all. He was the one that so desperately wanted to become a parent. Wren had been the one to convince her to try and get pregnant. He had convinced her that they could do it together. But now she was going to be a single mom and Spencer didn't know if she could handle it alone.

Spencer didn't want to be alone.

The thoughts drowned Spencer in sadness and the sobs came regardless of speaking or not. Her insides felt like they were on fire. Nobody should have to go through this much heartache.

There wasn't even a moment passed before Toby's arms were wrapped around her. She didn't even freeze in his embrace. Instead, her arms moved quickly and clung around his neck.

Spencer wasn't going to pretend to be strong now.

She absolutely clung to Toby as the sobs rattled through her thin frame. Her face burnt with the tears as she pressed it against his shoulder. She knows that she'll leave tear stains on his shirt, but at that moment, it doesn't matter. All that matters is someone who genuinely cares about her is holding her. It matters that his hands press firmly against the bottom of her back. His hands cover the skin and keep her pressed tightly to him as she sobs. It matters that he hasn't said anything. It matters that he _knows_ there aren't any words for him to say. Instead Spencer focuses on his breathing in her ear.

Her thoughts flew away as she just sobbed. Spencer had to mourn for the loss of Wren's future with them. She had to cry and get it out. It wasn't fair. It was never going to be fair. Spencer had to deal with it all and sometimes it seemed like too much to handle. Spencer missed Wren so much. He had become her absolute best friend. They hadn't had enough time together. Spencer had only just begun to fall in love with him like she should have all those years ago. It killed her knowing that she hadn't been able to give Wren the absolute love that he deserved.

Her tears were hot against Toby's shirt. It was like she wasn't able to breathe. Her heart was beating too fast. It had to be swollen inside of her chest. There wasn't enough room for it anymore. It just hurt. It hurt so much and Spencer wanted the hurt to all go away. When would the hurt go away?

The time seems to fall away. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour before her sobs began to lighten. It is only then that his hands begin to move in a comforting manner. His breaths are even and Spencer tries to match them with her own unsteady breathing. Her hold against his neck hasn't loosened, but the anguish seems to remove itself from the embrace. Spencer's heart still beat quickly even as her breaths began to even out. This was the first time that they had actually touched since he had gotten there. The small, accidental brushes didn't count. This was the first time that any part of her was touching his on purpose. This wasn't by any accident that they were embracing. It didn't feel like just strangers touching either. The embrace had been one that only could happen between people have known each other intimately. Spencer would have never clung to Hanna or Aria or even Emily like she had with Toby.

Spencer slowly begun to remove herself from her absolutely pressed up position against Toby. There was only a bit of embarrassment, as she was finally not touching Toby. Her eyes flickered up to meet his gaze for a second and Spencer could see the absolute care he had for her. There was such genuine concern for her and Spencer had to look away.

"Sorry," Spencer muttered as she wiped away the tears from her eyes. There had been so many tears and Spencer could see the stain she had left on his shirt from them.

"You don't ever have to apologize with me, Spencer. I'm here for you."

* * *

The only thing that changed after the hug was the amount of time the two of them spent alone together. It had gone from nearly none to way more than was probably acceptable in other's eyes. Toby had officially moved into the pool house within a week and Spencer allowed him to set up his stuff in the garage as well. It had been too long for him to just be sitting around. She knew that he wanted to start working again. His truck had been sitting idly as he had been supportive of the two of them. Toby had put his whole life on hold for Spencer and Clara, but Spencer didn't want him to do that. It was important to Spencer that she was able to repay him in someway.

So Spencer made sure that Toby had everything available for him to do his work.

It became clear to Spencer that Toby wasn't just sticking around for Clara. Their conversations had gotten longer and Spencer began to remember the connection they had all those years ago.

"And then we'll have the cake," Spencer finished as she sat atop one of the counters in the garage. Toby had been working on Clara's birthday present for a few days now and still had time to help Spencer plan the actual party. "Clara's going to absolutely love your gift." Spencer had only gotten a few things for her daughter's birthday. Wren was usually the one that picked out the "perfect" present for the girl. Spencer did the planning, but now both were just up to her. She knew she needed to find some present that her daughter would absolutely adore. There was no way that she would be able to beat Toby's present. "She's absolutely going to freak out when she sees it."

"I'm sure that she'll love whatever you get her," Toby said without looking away from his project. His focus was on the final touches of the dollhouse he had just finished putting together. It was the first time that he had built something like this. There hadn't been that many children in his life before Clara.

"She's been _begging_ for a cat," Spencer sighed as she thought about what she wanted to get Clara for her birthday. The cat had been an idea that Wren and her had actually been thinking about. It wasn't something like a dog that needed a lot of exercise and playtime. Wren had been just as bad about begging as Clara was. Spencer was powerless to their begs. It must have been something in Kingston blood. It was why so often she hadn't gotten her way.

"I can't see you with a cat," Toby laughed as he finally broke his concentration and looked at Spencer. She was concentrated so hard on planning the perfect birthday party for her daughter. It reminded Toby of so many of the reasons why he fell for her. It was easier to focus his thoughts on things other than Spencer. He was transported back to high school for a moment as he watched Spencer sitting there. He could remember so clearly all the times she had sat and watched him work. It had been different back then, but there was still a comfort of having her there with him. He'd rather have her there than anywhere else.

"I can't either, but I can see Clara with one," Spencer said as she leaned her head back to rest against the wall. "Wren had said we'd get her a pet when she turned 6."

"What about a goldfish?" Toby asked but Spencer just laughed at the question. There was no way that Clara would be fine with just a goldfish. If anything, Clara would want a clown fish after that movie. It was a strange switch of roles. Spencer had always been the stern one when it came to things Clara wanted, but now that she had to be _both_ roles, she just wanted her daughter to be happy. She took a deep breath as she finally made up her mind.

"So you want to come with to the shelter tomorrow with us?"

Toby just laughed and nodded his head.

* * *

Their day had started off the right way. Spencer had woken up Clara with the promise of a surprise after breakfast. She had managed to hang a few banners and streamers the night before with Toby's help. Even though they weren't having the party until the weekend, Clara still deserved for her actual birthday to be extra special. The little girl had already been excited, that the promise of a surprise only increased Clara's energy level. There had been big hugs for Spencer and Toby in the morning. There wasn't anyway that Spencer would have left Toby out of the birthday celebration. She needed someone to help calm Clara down.

Clara had been able to dress herself and the result was adorable. She was covered in pink

It probably wasn't the best idea to let Clara have chocolate chip pancakes at her favorite restaurant. Clara was already hyper as it was. It was Clara's day. The little girl could have chocolate chip pancakes all day long if she wanted. Spencer had already drunk a pot of coffee before they left the restaurant.

There was clear amusement in Toby's eyes as he just watched as Clara and Spencer just talked at each other. There wasn't much time for him to interrupt their conversation except with small tidbits and laughter. It was the coffee that got Spencer going, but Clara had been going just on pure excitement since she learnt that she had a surprise coming.

"Dial it back, babe," Spencer teased as she looked back from the passenger's seat. Clara had been giggling and singing for the past five minutes. Toby had offered to drive them in his truck. Spencer hadn't exactly wanted to come home with a cat in her car. They were getting close to the animal shelter and knew that Clara was going to absolutely freak out once she was told where they were.

"We're here," Toby said as he finally pulled into the parking lot of the animal shelter. He was glad to be apart of this birthday with Clara. He didn't know why, but he wanted to make memories with them.

"Mom, where are we?" Clara asked. There was already a smile on her face. Spencer was sure she could say they were just at a park and Clara would still be excited.

"Now, let's see. What did you want for your birthday, again?" Spencer teased as she unbuckled herself from the seat belt once they were park and turned her full attention to Clara. It took a moment to click in Clara's head, but once it did, her daughter's eyes went wide.

"A kitty?" Clara asked. Spencer could hear the pure excitement in the girl's voice. All Spencer had to do was nod and Clara let out an excited scream. Spencer's eyes flickered for a moment to Toby and there was a wide smile on his face as well.

"But before we go in, you have to promise to take care of—"

"I promise!" Clara was already out of her seatbelt and making her way out of the truck. Spencer could only laugh as she followed suit.

* * *

They had ended up with a tiny female tabby kitten. Clara had been instantly drawn to it and Spencer thanked God that it was a relatively quiet kitten. It wasn't one of the ones that had been trying to crawl their way onto the top of her head. Any resistance Spencer had about the issue had been stripped away once they put them in the kitten room of the shelter. There was no way anyone could go into that room and not leave with a kitten. She wasn't sure if Clara had a better time holding the kittens or watching as they scampered around and try to climb up Toby's legs. Spencer had teased him so much over it. They had been in the room for nearly an hour before Clara made up her mind about which kitten she wanted to be her own.

It was so strange to have a kitten running around in her house. Spencer had never imagined a pet running around, but if it made Clara happy. There hadn't been any other interests for Clara for the rest of the day. All she wanted to do was play with her kitten and it made it all worth it for Spencer. Clara had asked Toby on the way back to make Clara a mini castle to live in and Toby had full heartedly agreed to it. Spencer had a feeling by the end of the year; Toby would have built Clara more things that could even fit in the girl's bedroom.

It wasn't until after cake in the evening that Clara finally calmed down. Toby had left after cake. Spencer knew that he needed to finish his present for Clara by the time the party happened in two days. It allowed Spencer to have her own personal time with her daughter as well. Spencer promised to let Clara sleep in bed with her for the evening. The little girl was exhausted by the time 9:30 rolled around. The kitten was asleep on the bed with them. Clara hadn't decided on a name quite yet, but Spencer knew that it would be from some Disney movie. Those were always Clara's favorites. It was because Wren was such a romantic as well.

Spencer had seen too much heartache to believe in all of that.

These moments with Clara were some of her favorite. She absolutely loved her daughter with all of her heart. There was nothing that made her happier than her daughter wanting to cuddle. Spencer could never deny a cuddle session with her daughter.

"Clara?" Spencer asked. Her arm was wrapped around the girl as she curled into her side. "I forgot to tell you the most important thing today."

"What is it?" Clara mumbled. She was fighting to keep her eyes open. It had been a long day for the little girl and Spencer knew that their conversation would need to be short or Clara might fall asleep in the middle of it.

"It was Daddy that wanted to get you a kitten. So she's from both of us, okay?" Spencer brought her hand up and ran it through Clara's dark hair gently. Spencer wanted to make sure that Clara knew that it had been her dad that had convinced her to do this. Spencer would make sure that Clara always remembered that it was Wren that did so much for her. Her worst fear would be Clara forgetting Wren.

"I miss Daddy," Clara mumbled and the words still broke Spencer's heart. It had been nearly a month since he had passed away. She had heard the words too often from Clara, but it didn't make them any easier.

Spencer just leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Clara's head in response. "I miss him too," Spencer whispered as she kept Clara close to her side. These were the moments that killed Spencer the most. IT didn't seem like the pain would ever leave her heart. These moments reminded her that her daughter didn't have a father anymore. It hurt more than knowing she didn't have a husband anymore.

"Can we write Daddy in heaven?" Clara asked.

"You can talk to Daddy anytime you want, he's always listening to you. But we can write him a letter too if you want. What do you want it to say?"

"I just want to tell him that I miss him and that I love him. And tell him thank you for the kitten," Clara whispered. Clara had shifted slightly and her head rested against Spencer's chest. The girl's fingers ran up and down the pattern of the comforter that covered them.

"He'd love that."

* * *

"Melissa."

"Spencer? Isn't it a little late to be calling? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just…I need you to do something for me."

"Of course. What do you need?"

"Can you bring over a pregnancy test? Wren and I had… we'd been trying and I think… I think I might be pregnant."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooo. midterm week is over. i planned this chapter to be longer! reviews are appreicated and cherished. :)


	4. June 2013 - So I Bare My Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick update. this is the first flashback chapter. i've started the next full chapter as well. the rating has been changed to M. this is my first time writing smut, so constructive criticism is always welcome :)

* * *

“Toby, you promised to come to the family dinner with me,” Spencer said with a small pout as Toby sat on the couch. She didn’t know why he was being so difficult that night. He had agreed to do it so easily earlier and now it was like something had switched within him.

Toby had barely even looked at her once she entered his apartment. There had not been hello kiss or compliment about her dress.

Spencer had spent over an hour with Aria to make sure that she looked good for this dinner. Toby hadn’t said a word about it.

Maybe she should have had Hanna help her with it instead.

Toby normally would have complimented her dress or her hair or _anything_. He had only mumbled something about not wanting to go and that she should go by herself. Spencer knew that something had to be wrong.

Even though Spencer knew that, it didn’t stop her heart from stinging in pain.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer asked. This wasn’t them. They didn’t keep things from each other anymore. It had been a promise they had both been keeping since everything happened with him being with the “A” team. And they had gotten through it all. They had gotten through all the ups and downs and were stronger because of it. Spencer was graduating in a few days and she wanted to celebrate with Toby and her entire family.

“Toby, talk to me, _please_ ,” Spencer begged softly as she went to sit back on the couch next to him. But just as she sat, he stood up and moved to the other side of the room.

The sting moved to her eyes as she felt them begin to tear up. Spencer didn’t understand what was happening and it scared her to know that something had shifted between them without her even realizing it. Her eyes shifted nervously between him and the door. She didn’t know what else to say. All she could think about was what had gone wrong. The last time that he had gotten so distant nothing good had come from it.

“I’ll just.. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

There was such a hurt in her chest. She didn’t understand what was wrong and she wouldn’t unless he spoke to her. She was about to open the door to leave when his hand gripped around her arm. Spencer was about to lash out with some hurt words, but she was stopped by the look in his eyes.

Spencer had only seen him look so despaired before a few times. He looked at her like she was a ghost.

“Toby?” Spencer asked as she brought her free hand up to cup his face. “Talk to me.” She needed to know what was going on with him. They had promised to not keep things from one another anymore. There had been too many lies and devastation between the two of them. Toby had to hear the desperation in her voice. All Spencer wanted to do was help.

“Stay here with me tonight,” Toby replied as his eyes bore into her soul. “ _Please_.”

Spencer wanted to argue, but there was something that just told her to do it. She couldn’t even reply before Toby’s lips were against her own. There weren’t any more words that she needed to hear. Just his touch was enough to know that he did need her there. Her resolution to go to the family dinner was washed away as his lips teased against her own.

The kisses taste different than they normally did. She didn’t know how that was possible, but it was. There’s a different way to his touch. His hands were firm against her sides, but they weren’t freely roaming her as they normally would. It was more precise than that.

They both moved slowly and deliberately.

Both of her hands moved to cup his neck, but her actions were ignored.

Toby was completely focused on her. His lips moved deliberately against her own. Her fingertips traced lightly down his neck. There wasn’t any rush to his movements.

It took long moments before his hands lower from her sides to her hips. He didn’t even have to speak for her to know what he is about to do. His hands only lowered a bit more before he lifted her up with ease. It felt so natural for her to wrap her legs around his lower back in response. She’s done this before, but it always makes her heartbeat like it did on the first time he did it. Spencer could never get used to how Toby touched her.

Toby didn’t rush to move at all. It was slower than it usually was. He took his time to get her to the bed. Her forehead pressed against his as they moved.

The air was thick between them. Spencer wouldn’t dare speak. It wasn’t the time to talk. It was the time to show Toby how she felt.

It always surprised Spencer of how gentle Toby could be. His rough hands from work were always smooth and gentle when touching her. That night… It reminded her more of their first time than any of the other times they’ve been intimate.

It wasn’t always so quiet and peaceful, but then, Spencer knew that Toby needed it to be.

The thickness of want and _need_ in the air must had been what he was looking for. Once she’s laid down on the bed, Spencer watched as his eyes slowly moved from their locked gaze to taking in her body. He didn’t rush and Spencer could feel his gaze on each part of her body. But he didn’t say anything about it. He just took her in and Spencer stayed there and waited. Her heart had been pounding in her chest, but it tightened again under his gaze.

She had never felt embarrassed during sex. Even with their first time, she knew that Toby loved her and there was no shame when he had peeled clothes off of her. He wasn’t discovering her this time; it was almost as if he didn’t believe that she was actually there.

“Toby,” Spencer whimpered.

Toby’s only answer was his fingers beginning to pull her dress up from its snug position against her thighs. She lifted herself up as he slid it up her body. Spencer did the rest and pulled it off over her head quickly.  He pulled his own shirt off and Spencer’s hands automatically went to his abs. Spencer needed to be touching him. Spencer felt the need to bring him back to reality. She griped his hips slightly and pulled him down towards her. She needed to feel him against her.

Spencer felt exposed with only her panties on. There had been no need for a bra with the dress she had worn. It takes a moment before his lips were on her again. He missed her mouth and went straight for her neck instead. Spencer whimpered as soon as he sucked down. She leaned in towards him and his hands steadied her hips onto the bed.

Toby moved his lips slowly down from her neck to her chest. There was no rush still even as Spencer whimpered and tried to push her hips upwards. He ignored her breasts as he kisses down her sternum. She needed him to actually touch her, but he’s fixated on something entirely different. Spencer wanted to beg, but she knows that the time for talking had past.

Instead, she just moaned softly as Toby took his time kissing down her body. He reached her stomach before he stopped.

Toby didn’t pull back; he just stopped his kissing and rests his head against her stomach. His forehead burnt against her bare skin. Spencer’s fingers moved to run through his hair. There was something wrong and Spencer didn’t know what else to do. All she could do was stay still as he collected himself.

Being intimate with Toby was different than Spencer ever imagined it would be. Spencer didn’t feel a need to be in control at all. She was able to relax and not have to be the one in charge all of the time. Toby could be in full control and Spencer wouldn’t fight it.

As much as Toby was trying to take the control, Spencer knew there was something stopping him.

It was almost if he knew she was about to speak, because as soon as her lips opened, he was kissing down her stomach again. His hands moved down to her thighs as Spencer subconsciously opened them underneath his touch. It was almost painfully slow as he finally hooked his fingers against her panties and starts to pull down on them. Spencer lifted her hips slightly allowing Toby to pull down her panties completely. It takes only a few moments before they’re completely discarded on the floor beside the bed.

Spencer desperately wished to pull off Toby’s pants, but all thoughts of moving disappeared as Toby pressed a hot kiss against the top of her thigh.

Spencer lifted her hips again, but this time in need of Toby to finally touch her. For a moment it seemed like he was going to, but then he shifted and moved back up her body.

A whimper of disappointment was drowned out by a moan of pleasure as suddenly Toby’s fingers were on her.

He didn’t kiss her again, but Spencer felt his eyes watching her. Her eyes shut tightly once one finger slips inside of her. Her hands moved in memory down his sides to start to tug his jeans off. There’s something so intimate about the moment and Spencer _needed_ him inside of her. She wanted to slip off his pants but there’s suddenly another finger inside of her that erased all her thoughts. Her hands moved to his neck before she led his face down slightly to kiss him again.

His lips fumbled awkwardly underneath her own. It’s like he didn’t _want_ to kiss her and Spencer knew it should bother her more, but his fingers curled within her and all thoughts disappeared. Toby’s lips moved to her neck again and it gave Spencer incentive to moan out as his thumb flicked against her and Spencer wasn’t sure if she’ll last much longer with the way he’s touching her.

It’s the intensity that sets her off.  

Spencer couldn’t put her finger on it, but she knew that Toby was trying to send her a message through touch. It took one more flick of his thumb and Spencer knew she had to say something.

“Toby… _please_ ,” Spencer begged. She could feel his fingers slow in response to her plead. “Toby,” she whimpered out again as she opened her eyes to meet his glance.

Her eyebrows crinkled together in concern as she saw the despair in his eyes. Spencer knew all of his looks.

She knew something was wrong.

“Toby.” This time it wasn’t a whimper of pleasure, but instead Spencer said it out of concern. “Don’t push me away,” Spencer pleaded. Her fingers stretched and ran across his jawline. His gaze left hers with the words. She wished that he would just talk to her. She felt so close to knowing what was wrong.

Toby shifted suddenly and Spencer breathed harder as response. He still didn’t answer her, but did what she first requested and pulled off his pants. Spencer’s head leaned back against the pillow and she tried to swallow the rejection.

Spencer knew that she pushed—she can’t just leave things be. So that’s what she tried to do. She’d take what he had to give her and not question anything else. There’s something happening and all Spencer can do about it is to make sure that Toby knew how much Spencer loved him. She’d be there for him through everything. If he needed to feel that physically, Spencer could do that too. Toby shifted against her to reach into the drawer beside his bed and Spencer could feel him against her and she remembered the burning desire within her.

Her eyes opened quickly as she felt him begin to enter inside of her.

Toby was being so careful, and Spencer loved that about him, but right then she needed to feel him inside of her. She needed to be able to have the physical connection if he wasn’t going to talk to her about what was wrong. He finally entered her fully and Spencer moaned out in pleasure. Her fingernails scratched lightly down his sides before his hand reached up to grab her hand and interlocked their fingers together.

Spencer didn’t know why, but it felt like the most intimate thing they have done that night. His lips were back on hers again as they begun to settle into a comfortable rhythm. Toby didn’t rush it at all.

It was slow and intimate. It was exactly what they needed. 

It was how Spencer and Toby made love.

Toby didn’t need to say the words for Spencer to know how he felt about her. She could tell with just his touch. She could tell by the way his fingers gripped against her tightly as he eased in and out of her.

Spencer didn’t need to hear the words to know that he loves her.

Spencer knew that he needed to be reminded of how much _she_ loved _him_.

His head fell against her collarbone and Spencer could feel the sweat as he kept his control on top of her. Spencer didn’t want him to be tense, she needed him to relax and just be there with her.

“Hey,” she whispered before she hooked a leg over the small of his back. She could feel him shift deeper at the new access. “It’ okay,” she felt the need to remind him it was okay to let go. He could be vulnerable with her, just like she was with him. Toby listened and began to relax into her. Spencer could feel the tension draining from his head as she brought her free hand to comfort him by running her fingers through his hair. Toby relaxed under her fingers and their hips moved in sync with one another once more. 

His hand reached between them and pressed firm against her. His fingers rubbed against her firmly as the speed of his hips increase as well.

 

It didn't take much for her to come underneath his touch. Her hips rose in pleasure as a moan released from her lips. Spencer must have tightened around Toby because he shuttered in release on top of her only moments later.

* * *

The sun was shinning through the windows by the time she woke up. Spencer had planned on going home, but there had been such desperation in the way that Toby held her. She couldn’t leave him like that. Spencer had spent the night holding on to Toby, trying to make sure that he was going to be okay. He hadn’t wanted to talk at all. He had kept such a tight hold on her through the night. All Spencer had been able to do was just try to be there for him. Even if he wouldn’t talk to her, she was still his girlfriend and she still loved him.

“Toby?” Spencer said. Her voice was deeper than usual as her eyes slowly opened. A yawn escaped her lips as she shifted slightly in the bed to see if Toby was still there.

There was no sign of Toby when she finally sat up in the bed. In fact… there was no sign of Toby anywhere around his apartment. Spencer’s eyes crinkled as she looked around the apartment. There had been way more stuff in there yesterday when Spencer had come over originally. The place looked vacant. Spencer didn’t understand. What had happened while she slept?

It wasn’t until she moved to get out of the bed that she saw the note that lay next to her.

Her heart begun to race once she saw it.

 

_No_.

* * *

_Spencer,_

_Don’t try to look for me. Don’t call me._

_I don’t love you._

_Take care of yourself._

 

_Toby_

* * *

So few words brought Spencer’s world tumbling to the ground. Her jaw trembled as the tears flooded her eyes. She couldn’t move. He was gone. He didn’t love her. It was too much.

It didn’t seem possible, but somehow Spencer knew that it was true. There was no doubt in her mind that Toby really was gone.

Spencer finally realized what last night was.

It was goodbye. 


	5. August 2023 - Warmth Within Your Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the reviews! keep them coming because they inspire me to write faster :)

* * *

"I don't know if this is the greatest idea. We can reschedule this party for another weekend," Melissa said as she rubbed comforting circles against Spencer's back. Thank goodness that Toby had been willing to watch Clara while the two girls got ready for the party. If the years had been good for Spencer, they had been _amazing_ for Melissa. Spencer often wondered if she looked like the older sister now. Melissa had never married again or had any children. It was one of the reasons why she had always been around for Clara's important moments.

Spencer shook her head at the suggestion. Clara had been looking forward to the party for so long; Spencer wouldn't take that away from her daughter.

"I just got excited at the idea. It was stupid."

She didn't want to see the sympathy and pity on Melissa's face at the words. Even though their relationship was so much better now, it didn't change how she wanted her sister to see her. Spencer hated being weak and vulnerable with anyone. If she talked about her emotions, then someone could use them against her. There had only been a few people who Spencer could be completely vulnerable with and that list had shortened dramatically since Wren had died.

Another baby.

Spencer hadn't thought she wanted another one, but when she thought she was pregnant—she had gotten excited. Wren had always talked about wanting to have more children, but Spencer felt complete with just Clara. Their daughter was already so much work as it was. She hadn't even been able to imagine another child in their lives.

Then she had been late. It had changed her entire perspective on the issue. Her husband was dead and she was late.

A little boy who looked just like his father. His smile would lighten up her life. She dreamed of him. Spencer dreamt of Wren and this family in her mind. They had been so happy together. The happiness had radiated from Wren. It would have made her husband so happy to have a little boy. In her dream, their little boy had the cutest British accent. He looked so _dapper_.

Their son would have been perfect.

Spencer could imagine him after Wren. It would be like she had another piece of her husband back. Clara would absolutely adore a baby brother. She could picture her daughter being the biggest help with a baby. He would have grown up so incredibly loved.

But her dream of him wasn't going to make life appear where there was none.

Spencer should know better than to get excited. The world didn't work like that. It didn't give after it had taken something. Spencer shouldn't have hoped that she was pregnant. She shouldn't have hoped that Wren left a piece of himself with her.

Her life wasn't a cliché.

* * *

"Clara," Spencer scolded softly as her daughter had tossed one of her presents to the side. That wasn't acceptable to her. She knew that Clara was getting tired, but she wouldn't have her 5-year-old acting like this.

The day had gone so well. Presents and people scattered around her large house since the beginning of the party. Melissa hadn't failed in her attempt to make it the best party yet for Clara. If Wren had been there, it would have been smaller. Spencer just didn't have the energy to fight with the extravagance Melissa planned. Clara had seemed to absolutely love it.

Spencer had spent most of the party trailing her daughter around to make sure that she was fine. The other part of the day she had spent trying to fend off all the pity looks from different parents. Most of them hadn't seen her since the beginning of summer, well before Wren had died. They had all heard about him and sent their best wishes, but she could see that they wanted to know how she was dealing with it. It was better to think that they were concerned with her well-being and not the drama of it all.

"What's wrong?" Toby asked as he took a knee beside Clara's chair. It was clear that the little girl wasn't happy anymore. Spencer had no idea what had gotten into her. This couldn't all be over Spencer not allowing her to have any more cake. Clara had already eaten 2 rather large pieces.

"I want Daddy," Clara pouted and folded her arms in front of her chest. Spencer felt her heart tighten in her chest at the words. It was hard to breathe. She didn't know what to say. This was the first time in weeks that Clara had requested her father with such intensity.

"Baby," Spencer said as she knelt on the other side of Clara. She needed to take control of the situation and not have it turn into a scene.

"No, I want Daddy!" Clara resumed. She had ripped her arm out of Spencer's light grasp. Her loudness was escalating and Spencer could feel all the parent's eyes on her. There was an eerie silence, as everyone seemed to lean in to hear how this conversation was going to turn out. Spencer's cheeks blushed red in embarrassment as her daughter continued to yell at her.

"Clara…"

"I don't want you!" Clara shouted. "I don't want you, Mommy! I want Daddy!"

"Clara Elizabeth, that's enough," Spencer tried, but the weakness was clear in her voice. She wasn't apt to control this tantrum. Her hands were shaking as she tried calming her daughter down.

"No, I want Daddy," Clara exclaimed as tears started to flow down the girl's face. Spencer knew that Clara was still hurting so much and she wished she could take it away. "I don't want _you_. Daddy would let me have as much cake as I wanted. I wish _you_ weren't here and he was! I hate you!"

"Clara!" It wasn't even her voice that interrupted her thoughts. Melissa looked shocked at the girl and Spencer didn't allow the words to faze her yet.

When you became a mother, things changed.

Spencer's skin had thickened and how she felt about something didn't matter. The embarrassment showed in the red of her cheeks. Spencer didn't have time to think about what Clara had said—she would do plenty of that later. Now, she needed to get her daughter somewhere else. This was unacceptable. Her hands shook as she quickly lifted Clara out of her chair. "That is it," Spencer said with a very even tone of voice.

She would not stand for her daughter having a temper tantrum in the middle of her birthday party. Her grip was firm against Clara's wiggling body as she rushed to Clara's bedroom.

"That is enough, Clara Elizabeth Kingston!" Spencer's voice was stern, the patience stripped from it. Clara would not be able to behave like this and walk over her anymore. Just because Wren wasn't there, Spencer couldn't just become the easy parent. The responsibility of adjusting her daughter's behavior still fell on her shoulders. "You are done for the night. I will be back later and you better have thought about what you've done."

The words were all she said before she closed the door behind her. That was unacceptable. Clara rarely acted like that and if she had anything to do with it, that behavior would not last long.

A deep breath escaped her lungs as she leaned against the outside of the door. Her body slowly slid to the ground. Her knees tucked closed to her body as she hid her face in her hands. Her eyes shut and Spencer focused on taking in deep breaths.

"Spence?"

It was Hanna who had apparently chosen the short straw to follow her. Spencer looked up for a moment and saw the concern in Hanna's face.

Laughter came out of her before she could even stop herself.

Spencer couldn't stop laughing. It bubbled out of her and it might have been the first time she actually laughed over something about Wren's death. Spencer only laughed more at the thought.

"Jesus Christ, Spencer. People are going to think you've gone crazy," Hanna said with a laugh. Spencer looked ridiculous leaning against a wall and laughing hysterically. "I really should have invested in the tranquilizer."

It felt so good to laugh and not cry. There had been enough tears for a lifetime in the past month. Spencer was glad that it was Hanna who was there and not anyone else. Melissa might want to have her institutionalized again. Emily would have just cried. But Hanna… she would laugh with her. Everything just was so comical. Here she was at twenty-eight and her husband was dead. Her daughter was acting like a brat and everyone looked at her like she was a porcelain doll. That was exactly the opposite of what Spencer felt like.

"Okay, whatever the hell you took before this party, you need to share with your best friend Hanna over here."

Emily must have realized her mistake in sending Hanna alone to comfort Spencer because she came speeding down the hallway.

"Oh my god, Spence are you oka—are you laughing?"

The look on Emily's face only made Spencer laugh harder. There was the wide-eyed gaze that Emily had perfected so well. The one that said, "what the hell is happening"? Her laugh wasn't the only one that filled the hallway. Hanna had joined in. Emily looked like a completely lost puppy as her eyes flickered from Spencer to Hanna. There was no reason that Spencer should be laughing after what had happened.

"Did you—did you see Clara? She's just like me," Spencer's voice shook as she laughed at herself. One hand was clenched at her stomach as she continued to laugh. It was almost painful at this point, but Spencer would rather have this pain than any other kind.

"What is wrong with the two of you?" Emily teased, but the other two girls ignored her.

"Grade-A Spencer meltdown right there," Hanna laughed. "The apple definitely didn't fall away from the orchard."

" _What_?" Spencer asked at the expression. "The apple didn't fall away from the _tree_?"

The mistake just made her continue to laugh. It was so lovely to just laugh. Just laughing with Hanna at all her misfortune and at her life. There was a comical aspect to it all. Everyone else probably thought she was crazy for laughing, but not her girls.

It wasn't Spencer who was crazy; it was her life that was.

* * *

"Did you see all their faces?" Spencer said as she tried to take in deep breaths.

"Did you see _Toby's_ face?" Hanna questioned. The two girls had slid to the floor next to Spencer. It had taken a few minutes for Spencer to finally stop laughing. Hanna and Emily had just stayed mostly quiet with a smile on their faces. It was good to see their friend laughing again. "Are you ever going to talk to me about this whole situation? Or do I still need to get updates from Emily?"

"He's just a friend, Han," Spencer replied. Her head leaned back against the wall as she looked towards Hanna. "Can you tell her Em?"

"I actually agree with Hanna here, Spencer."

"You should really tell that to him because he definitely doesn't look at you like just a friend," Hanna teased and Spencer just had to roll her eyes. It would always be Hanna who pushed Spencer on the things that really mattered. Emily wouldn't push the same amount. It might be because Hanna and her didn't get to see each other enough anymore, but Hanna was never afraid to tell Spencer how it really was. There was never any doubt in Hanna's words. She just spoke of how she saw things. No deception or lies. Just what Hanna saw. It was different than her talks with Emily.

"Trust me. He knows that we are nothing else."

"He better," Hanna said and a laugh escaped from Spencer's lips. Hanna was so defensive and protective. The protectiveness of Hanna amplified at first by Clara's birth and then by Wren's death. It was Clara whom Hanna was most protective from. The woman hadn't been traveling as much when Spencer was pregnant and Hanna had absolutely _dolled_ upon Spencer's pregnancy. If Wren couldn't give provide something, then Hanna would be the next person she would ask. Hanna wasn't afraid to be over intrusive or anything like that. It was the main reason that Hanna had been her number one choice for godmother. Lioness. The gold hair wasn't the only thing that reminded Spencer of a mother lion, it just added to the equation perfectly. Just like how oxygen did with chemical reactions. It was a combination of ferocity, protectiveness and absolute affection. Spencer knew that the absolute ferocity Hanna had would transfer over to Clara and she had been right. If anything, Hanna was _more_ protective of her daughter than she had ever been of Spencer. She knew Hanna wanted kids badly, but she wasn't ready for the full commitment of them yet. So instead, Hanna absolutely spoiled her god-daughter.

It wasn't a normal choice, but both of Clara's godparents were female. It was important for Spencer to know that Clara would be taken care of if anything would happen to her, as well as Wren. They had agreed upon Emily and Paige to be the ones that Emily went to live with if that happened. Wren's parents were too old to fully take care of Clara and her parents didn't exactly deserve parent of the year awards. Melissa wasn't settled down and it had seen like the most logical choice. Emily and Paige were over all the time and adored Clara. She wouldn't have to move from her hometown and she'd be in a stable house. Emily and Paige had never separated or done anything like it. The worst that happened was _one_ night a few years ago where Emily had showed up at her door crying, followed by Paige only thirty minutes later. They had the healthiest relationship of anyone they knew. Wren had agreed right away to name them in their wills.

"Clara really adores him."

"Like mother, like daughter," Hanna hummed and Spencer threw her arm out to smack Hanna on the arm. "Well it's _true_."

It was nice to sit in silence with two of her best friends. Silence was nice. Especially after the long laugh she had before.

"I miss Wren."

Admitting it had to be a step in the right direction. For the first time, she didn't feel the need to cry at the words. It was the truth and she needed to start accepting it. There was shift in the air that came from it. Spencer knew that they just wanted to comfort her, but now she just needed to speak.

"I miss him _so_ much."

Her bones ached from missing him.

She had to use muscles that she hadn't used in years. Wren had made things so easy and lovely.

The words weren't hard to get out. Spencer just felt tired. She wanted to go back a few months ago and have her life back to normal. She missed her husband. Crying wouldn't bring Wren back. Tears would only upset her further. Talking about Toby only made her remember her husband—her _late_ husband. This was what she needed. It was so informal and probably seemed silly to any outside looking in, but it was exactly what Spencer needed. Just to sit and laugh with her friends, to be honest with them, she didn't want to have to hold it all in anymore.

"It doesn't make me upset that Clara wants him here, because I do too. I wish he were here so much. It didn't hurt me."

It's only thinking about her daughter that makes her breath catch in her throat. Her heart swells at the thought and for a moment she considered not telling her friends. The thought was so hard and absolutely broke her heart.

"I'm afraid for the day where she forgets how much she loves him—that she forgets how much she wanted her Daddy." Her voice broke in the middle of her sentence and hands reached to comfort her from both sides. It was only now that she felt like crying. It was a terrible thought and absolutely heart wrenching.

It wasn't a time for words. Thank goodness that the other girls seemed to realize that. Spencer didn't need to hear any reassuring words, because there weren't any. Nothing would be able to heal this pain in her heart. No cliché would be true. These were the facts and there was nothing else that could be said.

One day, Clara wouldn't beg for her father like this. She was still learning and growing and her memories would start to fade. One day, Clara might not even remember what Wren's smile looked like, or how the room would get warmer when he entered it. She would forget the little things.

It terrified her that she might forget as well.

* * *

Emotional wounds weren't written across skin.

Red didn't coat Spencer's skin.

Harsh, jagged lines did not show for the world to see.

There wasn't a scale of fresh to heal. Her wounds had only been started to heal over. Little rubs would still make the wound open. Their harsh red lines didn't show for the world to see. It wasn't a blemish that the world could see easily. Pain didn't need to be shown. It was so easy to hide the emotional scars, but they were still so painful.

It was easier to see them through children. Their skin hadn't thickened as much. Clara didn't have the years of practice at it that Spencer had.

Clara had been passed out on the bed when Spencer went back to talk to her. She was passed out on the floor. Everything bad about the day faded away in her memory as she stared at her daughter. It was so quiet. There was no more tension or anger in her daughter's face. Spencer wasn't sure if it was late enough for her daughter to go to bed, but she wouldn't let her lay on the floor.

"Baby," Spencer whispered as she reached down and pulled her daughter's sleeping body off the floor. There was only mumbles from her daughter. It was obvious that Clara wasn't going to wake up. It didn't bother Spencer in the slightest.

Clara's weight seemed to double when the girl was sleeping. She remembered when Clara was so small and now here was her daughter at her fifth birthday party. Spencer could remember her birth like it was yesterday.

It was never Spencer's dream to become a mother.

But holding her daughter in her arms, it was hard to imagine a better job.

Spencer didn't want to leave her daughter just yet. These moments that they spent together were precious and she needed to cherish every one of them. So instead of leaving, Spencer moved into the bed with her daughter still in her arms. The little girl shifted slightly, but relaxed back upon Spencer once she had found the most comfortable way to lie in the bed. It took a few moments, but Clara's breath eventually became deep again. Spencer smiled as she kept her gaze locked on her daughter.

There was this need for her to memorize her daughter's soft features. Spencer wanted to make sure that she remembered this moment forever. Eventually her daughter would grow up. Clara would become a young woman and wouldn't want this precious time with her mother.

That wasn't now though.

Clara's arm was thrown across Spencer and the girl's hand gripped her shirt in her sleep. Even with everything that the little girl had said today, Spencer knew the truth. Her daughter loved her. There was no doubt about that.

Spencer just hated that her daughter's innocence had been stripped in a way so young. She wasn't supposed to lose her father so soon. It wasn't fair to have a daughter grow up without a father. Spencer couldn't imagine if her father hadn't been around at all. Especially when she was younger. Spencer just wanted Clara to have the best life possible. She wanted her daughter to have everything the world had to offer her.

Wishes should be able to be granted. Dreams should become reality. There should be princesses and princes. (Although the _princess_ should rescue the _prince_ sometimes as well) Happy endings should be real.

The clouds shouldn't seem so far away.

Hearts shouldn't be broken.

Bruises should be kissed.

Spencer would do everything in her power to make sure that her daughter would have the best life possible. She wanted her daughter to look this relaxed all the time. Her daughter _deserved_ to be happy.

Enough had happened in the past month for Clara's entire childhood.

No more of her daughter's heart would be broken on Spencer's watch.

* * *

"Is she alright?"

Toby had almost finished cleaning up when Spencer finally returned out to the living room. She knew that Melissa would have shooed off the rest of the parents for her, but she hadn't expected Toby to do any of this work. It wasn't his responsibility. Spencer knew what his response would be if she told him that. He would say that she didn't need to ask. He was there for her and this was just a part of the job.

Instead she just touched his shoulder lightly as she passed him. It was a silent "thank you for everything". Just a touch was needed. There was no doubt in her mind that he wouldn't understand it.

Toby always knew what she was saying without words.

"She's asleep. Crazy day," Spencer said with a sigh as she went to the sink. There were dishes to be done. No matter how tough the day, the world kept spinning and she had to go on. There would always be something to be done. "How long did it take for everyone to leave?"

"There were people leaving before you even left the room."

Spencer laughed at that. The party had obviously been over at that point. She could just imagine the looks on the other women's faces at the outburst.

"I'm just going to guess that I'll be getting more fake sympathetic cards."

That caused a laugh from Toby who had almost finished putting away the last of the food.

"Cake?" Toby asked and Spencer turned at the question. Her eyes squinted slightly as she looked down at the cake.

"There's only one piece left?" She asked with a smile on her face. The sheet cake should have lasted more than just till the night.

"Stop washing dishes and come eat some cake," Toby said as he held out a fork out to her. Spencer thought about arguing, but she had barely eaten during the day. There was no use waiting now. The dishes would still be there when she got back. He pushed the plate towards her across the counter as she leaned over to rest upon the granite. Toby held out his own fork to hers in a cheers sort of motion. She clinked their forks together before she finally went in for the cake.

"Oh my god," she moaned slightly as her eyes shut as she tasted the cake. "That's delicious." Toby just laughed at the comment as he quietly ate the cake. "I can see why Clara wanted a third piece."

Spencer didn't know why, but when her eyes flickered up to meet Toby's gaze, something shifted inside of her. The boyish grin on his face transported her back to days long before Clara was even thought of. There was Toby all these years later and he still looked at her in the same way as he did back then; the way that made her want to blush and smile at the same time. His smile was still the same. It was a man staring back at her, but the smile had never changed.

Spencer couldn't remember the last time she had just stared into his eyes. They were the same blue and still piercing. Toby could still see into her like he had been able to before. Through all the years, the connection was still there. Spencer could almost feel her heart skip a beat at just the look.

There wasn't only one reason that she kissed him. It was a series of thoughts, but there was only one action. It took only a few movements for her to reach her body across the counter further and press her lips against his. If she had thought clearly, she wouldn't have kissed him.

But she hadn't been and she _did_ kiss him.

Five years had passed since she had kissed him last. It was one kiss when he had showed up at her apartment. The kiss had made her feel like it did now.

There was something that his kiss did to her. A strange feeling arose from the pit of her stomach and her entire body warmed. Everything seemed to fall into place when his lips were against hers. She didn't want to pull back. If she pulled back then everything would hit her.

She wanted to stay safe in the moment with him.

"Spencer…" Toby's voice was thick when he pulled back from the kiss. With her eyes closed, she could believe they were back in high school. With her eyes closed, they were back in high school. Her lips could press against his again and pretend that no time had passed. They could kiss again and she would finally feel something in her heart that she had missed so much.

Then she remembered everything.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry," Spencer said as she pulled back as quick as her body would move. Her entire chest had flushed red as she looked away from Toby. Of course Toby had pulled away from the kiss. She had to remember everything that had happened between them. This wasn't high school. She was a grown woman now whose husband had just _died_. "I'm so sorry."

No matter how many time Toby reassured her, Spencer knew that the embarrassment wouldn't fade for a few days. And the memory of the kiss wouldn't fade anytime soon.

Spencer had felt more alive when she was kissing Toby than she had in the past weeks.

* * *

Aria had been the only one that she had called. Not Emily or Hanna or _Melissa_ , but Aria. There had always been a connection between the two of them and she knew that Aria wouldn't tease her about the Toby thing. Aria had dealt with enough relationship issues to realize that not everything was already clean cut. Plus with Emily, she would definitely end up talking to Toby about it and Spencer was far too embarrassed for that.

"Do I ignore him now?" Spencer asked as she lay in her bed. The phone was pressed to her ear as she tried to figure out what she was going to do the next morning. Would he still come over for breakfast? Had she scared him away? There were too many thoughts in her head.

It was midnight by the time Spencer had called Aria. She must have woken the other woman up, because the fogginess was still clear in her voice. First Aria had made sure that nothing was wrong with either Spencer or Clara before Spencer could hear the tiredness creep back into her voice. It must have been around 5 AM in England. That was true friendship.

"You don't have to ignore him, Spence. I'm sure Toby didn't hate the kiss."

" _He_ pulled away. Who knows what I would have done if he hadn't," Spencer sighed. The events of the day were finally catching up to her and she could feel her chest get heavier and heavier.

She could hear Aria's light laugh on the other side of the phone and she closed her eyes in slight embarrassment. "You wouldn't have done anything stupid, Spence. Toby probably won't mention it. It sounds like you probably freaked him out more than anything."

She wished she could say she kissed Toby out of missing Wren, but she didn't. She didn't think of Wren at all when she kissed Toby.

She didn't want to be kissing Wren at that moment. It wasn't about Wren at all.

Spencer had wanted to kiss Toby, nobody else.

"When are you coming back from your adventure this time?" Spencer asked as her eyes closed. Even in the dark room, it was still too bright. Her eyes were done for the night. Even though she wanted to talk to her best friend, her body wanted to sleep. Spencer wished that Aria were there with her instead of an ocean away. "I miss your little face. I can't just have team Sparia time over the phone."

Aria laughed at the other end of the line. Spencer yawned loudly as she shifted in her bed. It was time for sleep.

"I miss you too. Go to bed, Spence. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

* * *

**AUGUST 2023** _  
_

_for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart._

* * *

Toby never brought up the kiss after it happened. Spencer had been so nervous the next morning, but Toby had gone on like nothing had happened. It was reassuring.

The weeks passed by and they fell into a rhythm. Spencer went to work and Toby would watch Clara on most days. Or when he had to work, then Clara would go over to Emily's.

Everything just seemed to work. The breakfast routine and the dinner routine were all down.

Spencer was up by 6 AM each morning and went for her morning run before she would come home and Toby would have the coffee ready for her when she got back. Then it would be time to get Clara up and get in the shower to get ready for work. Spencer never had to ask Toby to do it. One day he had started to do it and it had just become routine. It was just like how when Toby got back from work, Spencer would have a case of cold bear in the fridge in the garage. There was a silent appreciation between the two of them for the action of the other.

It just worked for them.

Spencer had to argue with Emily all the time that Toby and her weren't together. There was silent teasing from Hanna and Aria, but Emily was the only one that would come out and say it. Emily was always the one that had believed in Toby and her since the beginning. It was Emily who had called Toby twice to come and see Spencer. The first time hadn't ended well, but this last time… Spencer didn't know what she would have done without Toby's support after Wren had died. She didn't think that she would have been able to go back to work so soon after Wren's death if she hadn't been able to rely on Toby to take care of Clara.

None of it meant that they were together though.

_Especially_ after the kiss.

Toby almost seemed to gravitate away from her since it happened. Their touches decreased and Spencer could almost see him lean away once it had happened.

It reminded her of when he broke up with her in the first place. During that night, when she touched him, he'd pull away. Now she remembered how terrible it felt to have someone not want to touch you.

He was still wonderful with Clara.

They continued to grow closer every day and Spencer loved it. Clara needed a man figure in her life. It didn't surprise her that Clara would fall asleep in the pool house every once in a while. Whenever she got home, Clara was always out working with Toby on the tree house that they were building together. It had scared her at first, but Toby didn't allow Clara to really do any of the dangerous work. Instead her daughter got to sit and watch.

Spencer remembered when she did that.

It was why when Spencer had a business trip to go on, she hadn't thought twice about asking Toby to watch Clara for the weekend. Toby had agreed right away, but it hadn't lessened her anxiety about leaving her daughter. It was the first time that she had even considered going away since Wren had died. Spencer used to take business trips a lot, but it had changed now that she was a single parent. She didn't want to leave Clara alone. It terrified her to do so.

But she had to pull of the bandage.

* * *

Spencer had considered staying at Hanna's in the city, but she decided against it. It would be nice to have just a weekend to herself. She absolutely loved Hanna, but she didn't have the energy after all the meetings to deal with the questions. There wasn't any questions or needs for her to take care of once she got back to the hotel room. She was able to slip off her heels and relax.

After the first night, Spencer didn't enjoy the quiet. At every sound in the hallway outside of her room, her thoughts would go to Clara and what she had done during the day. She wanted to be there with her daughter.

It just reminded her of the important things in her life.

Work wasn't one of them anymore.

"Hey baby girl," Spencer smiled into the camera on the front of the phone. "Can you see me?" She asked as she waved into the camera. Spencer knew that it was late, but she had to see her daughter's face before she could even think about her dinner out with Hanna and Caleb.

"Mom!" Clara squealed as the girl's face finally popped up on her screen. "Do you see her, Toby?" Clara asked as she turned her head around quickly and Spencer smiled at her daughter's antics.

"How's my girl?" Spencer asked as she kept the phone level to her face. Her eyes were flickering back and forth across the screen as she tried to take her daughter in as much as she could. Spencer missed her daughter so much. Even through Skype, it didn't seem like enough. Just seeing her daughter's face made her miss the girl even more. Maybe she wasn't cut out for traveling anymore.

"So good! We're almost done with the tree house! It's so pretty and Toby even let me help him nail the boards together," the excitement was clear in both her daughter's voice and her face. Obviously Clara had been having a better time during the weekend than she was. Then it was like Clara realized something and she squinted into the camera and brought the phone up close to her face. "Mommy," Clara said as she finally pulled the phone away from her face again. "Why are you all dressed up?"

"I'm going out with Auntie Hanna for dinner," Spencer said as she glanced down at her dress. Hanna had been very specific that she needed to look nice, but not too frumpy. So they had gone shopping during her lunch break and Hanna had picked out her dress.

It was a low-cut, sparkly dress that absolutely screamed Hanna. Spencer had ended up curling her hair for the occasion and putting on more makeup than she had in a while. She was in the city; she deserved to dress up for herself.

"You look _so_ pretty," Clara said before she turned towards Toby. "Don't you think she looks beautiful, Toby?" Clara asked and before Spencer could reprimand her daughter for the question, Toby had already started to answer.

"You look gorgeous, Spence."

The answer shouldn't have made Spencer's heart jump up in her throat, but it did. It wasn't like she didn't get compliments from other people, but it had been so long since Toby had said something about it to her.

Toby didn't give compliments if he didn't mean them. Spencer could remember times where he would genuinely compliment her over little things, but this time was different. It was a " _wow"_ sort of complement. She could see the sincerity in his look and voice, even through the phone. Spencer's gaze flickered down in slight embarrassment ( _but the best kind possible_ ) as she slowly thanked him.

He had the grin on his face again, almost as if he knew how much his words had affected her. It only made her blush a little more. Her chest was red and it slowly crept up from there. It wasn't fair for him to get to look at her like that and say things like that when she was away. It wasn't fair for him to do that and pull away anytime she tried to touch him in just a friendly way.

It was all too confusing for Spencer to handle.

* * *

It was late the next night by the time that Spencer got home.

The flight had been delayed and she had to cancel her dinner plans with Toby and Clara in lieu of crappy airport dining. Her feet ached by the time she had gotten home. The heels she had worn for the conference definitely hadn't been the best choice, but she had to dress to impress. There was no way that Spencer Kingston would let anyone intimidate her. She had to show them that she was stronger than ever since her husband's death.

No one would take advantage of her.

It was dark when she got back, but she could see the lights on around the house and in the backyard.

Spencer had forgotten how much she loved her home.

The house was quiet when she entered it, as well as dark. Maybe Clara had already fallen asleep; it was past midnight by the time she had entered the front door. "Hello," she called out into the empty house. Her eyes crinkled together as she tried to figure out where they had gone. She would have thought Toby would have waited for her to get home before he went back to the pool house. Spencer set her briefcase down on the kitchen counter before she saw the note lying on the table.

" _Outside_. _Dress warm."_

The note caused her to smile. She slid off her blazer before moved towards the door leading into the backyard. She grabbed her favorite blanket from the couch on the way. The cold would eventually get to her if she were outside for too long, even though it wasn't fall yet, the cold was starting to come. Her eyes opened wide when she finally got outside. The tree house was finished. When she had left only days before, Toby had just started to get up the initial structure. Now all that needed to be finished was a few touch-ups. The light from the house lit it up perfectly. Even without the lights, the moon and stars were clear above it.

There were winding stairs to get up to the top and Spencer slowly made the journey. She couldn't believe that Toby had done all of this in a few days. It was perfect for her daughter. Spencer knew just by looking at it that Clara had loved it. Spencer didn't knock against wooden door before she entered into the tree house. She didn't even need to duck. The tree house had been constructed perfectly to not only fit the height of children. The entire floor had been filled with pillows and blankets from the house and lying on one side of it was her daughter.

Clara was asleep pressed against Toby who seemed to have dozed off as well. Spencer wished she had her phone on her because it was the perfect photo. Both of them looked so peaceful. Their chests rose and sank in the same beat. Spencer didn't want to ruin the moment between the two. She gazed upwards and saw the giant window that lay as the roof. Of course Toby had done that. It was a perfect view for stargazing and that must have been what they were doing when they fell asleep.

It was only when she moved that Toby's eyes flickered open.

"Spencer." His deep voice shook through Spencer as she smiled in response. Spencer could see him attempt to sit up, but Clara's weight held him down. Her little hand fisted around the blankets that covered them both. "How was your trip?" He asked as his eyes flickered open and closed a few times. She could see him trying to wake up, but Spencer didn't want to talk about her trip now.

"Room for one more?" She asked instead as he just nodded and shifted slightly to make more room on the makeshift mattress on the floor. Spencer slowly slid into place on the other side of Clara. Her hand automatically reached to push the hair off of her daughter's face. Her fingers brushed against Toby's chest, but he didn't finch away like he normally had. They lingered for a moment before she pulled back and spread the blanket over herself as well.

"She tried to stay awake. We were making up constellations."

Spencer could imagine that sight. Clara had probably pointed up to the sky and seen hundreds of more images than Spencer could ever imagine. She wondered how many princesses there were in her dreams that lived in the stars. Spencer leaned to press a kiss against her daughter's forehead, but the moment became strangely intimate between Toby and her. Once she pulled away from the kiss, she realized just how close she was to Toby. In the night, everything seemed simpler. The knowing truth of day was far away. Just the night's sky was shown and the want that came with it. Spencer thought to apologize, but she couldn't bring herself to speak. Her gaze had dropped to his lips for a moment. She desperately wished to kiss him, but some sort of strength held her back. It took what seemed like hours for her to pull away and lay down against the floor.

Silence laid on top of them. No more words were said.

It was more intimate than it had been before. Talking would ruin the moment, so neither of them said anything else.

The looks were enough.

It was enough when his hand slowly moved from its place on Clara's back to trail down her arm. Her entire body shivered as he slowly touched her. Spencer had touched him, but she couldn't remember the last time he had intentionally touched her. It hadn't been this intimate in ten years. Spencer couldn't move as his fingers slid down towards her hand. They were more calloused than she remembered, but the work he did probably had hardened them. His actions were slow and meaningful. There was no doubt in his touch as he slowly intertwined his hand with hers. No room for any regrets.

Spencer finally felt at home again.


	6. September 2023 - Hello, My Old Heart

 

* * *

The first day of kindergarten.

Spencer could vaguely remember her own, but she didn't know if her mother had ever felt how she was feeling as she parked the car. It had been important for her to drive Clara on the first day.

How was her daughter old enough to start school?

Clara had seemingly taken forever to get ready that morning. Spencer never remembered taking so long to get ready for school when she was that age. She supposed it had been because her mother had always been so attentive to what she was wearing. Spencer wasn't that concerned about Clara's clothing; she knew that Wren wouldn't have been either. Their daughter had proved that her fashion sense hadn't come from Spencer or Wren… it had definitely came from her Auntie Hanna. When she had returned from New York, most of her suitcase full with new clothes for her daughter.

Toby came along to school. Clara had requested it and Spencer didn't have a problem with it. This was a moment to share with someone else. Spencer couldn't help but think about Wren that morning. He would have loved to see Clara on her first day of school.

It was nice to not have to go drop off her daughter alone.

Since that night in the tree house, things hadn't changed much between the two of them. Toby didn't acknowledge what had happened, but Spencer couldn't stop thinking about it. Holding hands had never been that incredibly intimate before. The memory of his rough hand in her own stayed with her. _Toby_ had held _her_ hand ( _not the other way around_ ). Spencer hadn't been the one to start it and that fact was so important. It meant he cared for her; it meant more to Spencer than it probably should have.

"Come on, Mom; we're going to be late!" Clara exclaimed as Spencer finished parking the car. She knew that she needed to turn off the ignition and walk her daughter into the school, but it scared her. Her daughter was growing up. That was scary enough.

Just a deep breath and then she would turn off the engine.

Just another deep breath and she'd exit the car.

"Spence."

Toby's voice brought her back to the reality and she finally turned off the car. It wasn't her breathing that did it; it was just Toby's voice. This was the time to be strong for her daughter.

Clara was nearly jumping out of her skin by the time they were actually walking through the front door of the school. Thoughts raced in and out of Spencer's mind before she actually had time to think about them all. All the "what ifs" and thing she should have done came up as they made it to Clara's classroom. The first of many that the little girl would have in her life. Spencer knew that she needed to keep a brave face as she did this. Crying could wait until she was out of the school. Both she and Toby held Clara's hands. It was obvious that Toby was the stable one as they reached the classroom. He was smiling and just happy for the little girl. Spencer was too, but there was still emotion that her little girl was growing up.

Toby was the first one of them to say goodbye. Spencer forgot how small Clara was compared to Toby when he knelt to give her a hug. She looked so young ( _so innocent_ ) as she threw her arms around him. "Pick me up by three fifteen _sharp_!" Clara demanded as she broke the hug to look at Toby in the eyes. It caused both of the adults to laugh. Spencer would have reprehended the girl, but Spencer didn't think she could have ( _partly because Spencer was going to sound the same later when she reminded Toby about when to pick up Clara_ ). Clara quickly pressed her lips against his cheek before pulling away.

Spencer knew that it was her time to say goodbye. She followed Toby's lead and knelt on the floor. It took more coordination in the skirt she was wearing, but she did it. "Be safe," Spencer whispered to her daughter as she gripped her tightly.

" _Mom_ ," Clara sound exasperated as she tried to pull away. Obviously Spencer was becoming _that_ mom, the one that couldn't let go.

"Okay," Spencer said as she finally let her go. "I love you."

"I love you too," Clara responded. The smile she wore on her face reminded her so much of Wren—Spencer knew that the tears would come sooner than she thought they would. Toby's hand reached down and Spencer smiled gratefully as she grabbed it to help steady herself to her feet.

"Have fun, munchkin," Toby said with a smile as Clara just nodded before she entered the classroom. Spencer wished there was a way for her to stay, but she knew that she had to go to work. This was something that her daughter had to do by herself: the first of many memories that wouldn't include her.

Toby followed behind her as they walked out of the school. Spencer wondered if this was what all parents felt like on the first day of school—would it get easier? It was clear that Clara was absolutely excited for school. Spencer had been the same way. The first day of school only got more exciting as she grew up. A part of her hoped that Clara picked that up from her, but at the same time she didn't. Spencer wanted her daughter to enjoy being a kid for as long as she could. She didn't want her own perfectionism to transfer to her daughter.

"Do you remember your first day of kindergarten?" Spencer asked Toby once they reached the car. She was trying so hard to not cry. There needed to be conversation for that to happen. Keep her mind off how her daughter was growing up ( _and how Wren was missing it all_ ). Spencer couldn't say that she remembered the first day of kindergarten. She vaguely remembered her mom dropping her off in front of the school and Melissa being the one to show her to her classroom. That was it. It wasn't a big scandal or anything like that. Spencer could remember being the smartest kid in her class and how wonderful it felt to know how to do things the other kids couldn't. Spencer had carried that with her for the rest of school. Even in college, Spencer strived to be the absolute best. The pressure had eventually got to her in high school and through college. The first day of school had stopped being excited and started to terrify Spencer.

"My mom took me," Toby responded with a smile on his face as he kept his gaze on Spencer. "I remember her crying and kissing me over and over."

It relieved Spencer a little that other mothers did the same thing she was doing.

Spencer wished that she had gotten to meet Toby's mother. From the stories that she had heard about his childhood, she sounded like a wonderful mother. Toby had left her before she got to find out what had really happened to his mother. Spencer wondered if he had ever even found out for himself.

It was probably something that Spencer would never know the answer to.

* * *

Toby got to the school early.

Spencer _and_ Clara had been very clear that he needed to be on time. There were more parents in the parking lot than Toby had expected. Toby knew that Spencer would have been there if she could. There was a huge case at Spencer's firm and she couldn't afford to miss more time. Toby had understood and there wasn't anything else he'd rather do than help out the ( _his_ ) girls. He was able to do work while he waited to pick up Clara from school. Most of his projects were either finishing or just starting—so there wasn't too much terribly to be done. Toby liked it that way. There was more of a chance to spend helping than if he would be busy.

That was the reason that he was there.

The entire reason he had broken his promise to himself and Spencer was to help. Emily had called and Toby hadn't thought about it too much. Spencer needed him.

It was that simple.

"Hey munchkin," Toby said as he walked into the classroom. It had never even been a discussion if Toby would be put as one of Clara's emergency contacts / people she was allowed to go home with. Toby had been taking care of the girl all summer and that wasn't about to change. It was obvious that they both still needed him ( _he needed them as well_ ). The smile on Clara's face was all he needed to know that he would stick around. He couldn't leave her—she meant way too much to him.

Clara grabbed her backpack, the one that she had picked out by herself, and started over towards him. "Perfect timing," she complimented as she looked up at the clock. Toby didn't' know if she actually knew what time it was, but he wouldn't doubt that Spencer had taught Clara already to read the clock.

"Clara, is this your dad?"

The question threw Toby back. It wasn't something that he had expected the teacher to ask. Luckily, Clara didn't miss a beat before she responded.

" _No_ ," Clara shook her head at the teacher. "My dad is dead. This is Toby; he lives with us."

The poor teacher looked shocked at first as she continued to look at Toby. Leave it to Clara to be that incredibly blunt with the woman. Other children wouldn't probably say with such confidence that their father was dead. As right as it was, they would probably say something about heaven. It had been important to Spencer to tell Clara about the reality of what had happened to Wren when she had asked. Toby just hadn't expected the girl to say it like that to her teacher. If that hadn't been enough, then Clara had said that Toby lived with them and the teacher looked at him with that knowing look, even though it wasn't like that at all.

"I live in the pool house," Toby felt the need to clarify as Clara finally reached him and grabbed his hand. The teacher just nodded; it was obvious that she didn't believe that him and Spencer were _just_ friends, even though they were.

They were in for a long year.

"So, how was the first day?" Toby asked once they were exiting the school and the awkwardness had simmered from the encounter with her teacher. Happiness radiated from Clara. It was something he loved about her and Spencer; it was always clear when they were happy. Toby wondered if Spencer was this animated when she was a child.

"It was _awesome_ ," Clara's hand tightened around his and swung it lightly. "We got to paint and I met this boy named Josh. We're best friends now."

"Aren't boys yucky?" Toby asked. Protectiveness had risen within him when he heard about the boy. Even though Clara was young, he didn't want her hanging out with any boys. Couldn't she have found a girl best friend to hang out with?

"No," Clara said simply as they reached his truck. "You're not yucky."

Toby smiled at the words.

It wasn't until he was driving and Clara was chatting excitedly next to him in the truck that he truly thought about the teacher's words. " _Is this your dad?_ " Toby should have been quicker to deny the fact. He should have told the teacher right away that he wasn't her father. But he hadn't. There had been a moment of hesitation. Was that what he was feeling like? The more time he spent with Clara, the harder he _loved_ with the girl. It wasn't a love that he had felt before. He hadn't been able to put a name on it before that day. Was this what it felt like to be a parent? Toby would never insinuate that he was Clara's father. That position would always be filled by Wren. But maybe he didn't have to be the "father" or the "mother" to be a parent to Clara.

The title didn't mean anything to him—what mattered was acting like it. There was new responsibility that came with thinking of yourself as that. It was different than just being a friend or anything like that. Commitment and love had to be behind it.

For the first time, Toby wished to be that for Clara.

* * *

It wasn't how Spencer expected it to happen at all.

Just a brush of their arms.

That was all that had happened. Just a brush of skin and everything seemed to explode in slow motion. The house was dark and Clara had long past gone to bed. It was just the two of them in the kitchen, like they were time and time before. It seemed strange that just skin contact was needed for everything to explode. Their comfortable _uncomfortableness_ was over.

_Teeth_.

Spencer hadn't kissed someone properly since Wren had died and it was clear in the absolute _need_ that poured out from her lips. There was too much tongue, too much teeth—an awkward, feverish need for one another. The scrapping of teeth against one another didn't slow down the process. A battle raged between the two of them. Nobody was going to talk. There was no time for reason or thought. Emotions didn't need speaking.

It was animalistic.

Pure _need_.

It wasn't like the last time they had been intimate. It was so strange to be touching Toby again. She wouldn't dare mention it for when the moment would be ruined. This wasn't a goodbye: this was a " _where the hell have you been_ ". Toby hadn't talked during then intentionally—this was different. Neither of them was trying to speak. There wasn't enough _air_ for them to talk. All the oxygen was burnt up by hot breaths against each other. Even if they wanted to speak, they couldn't.

Words weren't necessary.

Toby was the one who pushed her against the counter. She had just been about to ask him what the hell was wrong with him, before his lips were against hers and all the oxygen was gone. Spencer didn't have time to stop and think about how it was the first time that he had touched her since the night in the tree house. With his hands against her, Spencer forgot how long it's been since they last did this. His hands weren't intruding; they weren't invading her space.

Couldn't he see?

( _She had been his all along)_

Her thighs opened as he pressed their bodies tightly against each other. It just took his hands slipping down her legs for Spencer to lean against him. Rough hands pulled her up onto the counter. She was weightless in his hold. No effort was required. Everything wasn't perfect. His hands felt strange against her ( _but in the best way possible_ ). The more they kissed, the simpler it all became. Muscle memory kicked in and Spencer knew where to touch and what to do.

_Nails_.

His lips were only off her skin for moments as he lifted off her shirt. She had tugged his off in the moments just afterwards. There was a need for skin. Her fingernails pressed firmly against his back as his teeth attacked her neck. Teeth scraped down her neck and Spencer's fingers dug into his back and pulled towards herself. He pushed against her at the contact and Spencer did it again in response.

Toby was hard against her and Spencer hasn't felt this desperate in a long time. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so incredibly needy. It had been a while since she had felt that need.

It didn't matter that ten years had passed and they fit differently: they still _fit_.

Only moans and whimpers escaped her lips as he roughly palmed her through her bra. It only made her want him more. There wasn't time for all this foreplay—Spencer _needed_ him inside of her. Her fingers fumbled with his jeans when his lips pressed back against her own. His hands made their way to push up at her skirt.

She gave up on her quest to push his pants all the way down and settled for having them (along with his boxers) down to his knees. She didn't think the intensity could up any, but once she wrapped her fingers against him, it rose again. There was a shift in the room—it wasn't enough for them just to be touching each other. Spencer needed Toby _inside_ of her; Toby _needed_ to be inside of her. His hands stopped trying to push her panties down her legs and instead, he just pushed them to the side. Spencer could take the hint and pulled her hand away from being wrapped around him.

It's only moments before he was inside of her.

_How did she forget how wonderful this was?_

She gripped onto him tightly as he moved himself quickly inside of her. There was so much passion and need; it was overwhelming.

Heat radiated from her as Toby began to move within her. Legs spread further as she tried to get him more inside of her. She hooked her leg over his hip; there isn't anytime for regret.

This wasn't how she imagined her first time being again with Toby ( _she had imagined it too many times)_ —but it didn't feel like the first time. It felt like they were coming back together, too much passion for her to map it out. 10 years too long.

This is why she had fallen in love with Toby—everything wasn't planned out. It was the passion ( _passion for her)_.

There wasn't an ounce of embarrassment while she let him take her on her kitchen counter. Her bra was still on and her skirt hitched up against her hips. Her panties hadn't even come off before he took her. Spencer didn't think about the thousands of dollars she spent on the countertop they're on.

_Granite be damned._

Moans and gasps were all that escaped from the two of them. The heat tingled in Spencer's toes as her arms gripped around Toby's back. Her eyes were in a glaze as they half-shut under the pleasure. Toby's lips were against her neck and Spencer could barely breathe. All the movements weren't planned out. His strokes weren't planned. Their need for one another overpowered any sort of plans they might have had. Plans would have ruined the moment.

Spencer didn't need much encouragement as Toby _fucked_ her.

No shame in the wetness between her legs. No shame in the way her hips pushed against his ( _how could she have any shame with him?_ ).

Sweat moved from his skin to hers as he rested his head against her collarbone. Spencer could feel his eyebrow crinkle against her skin and she knew he was close. Even after all the years, Spencer could tell his signs. His hips slowed and he shifted so a hand could reach between their conjoined legs. Shivers ran up her body as his fingers pressed against her. The moan that escaped her lips brought Toby back to life. His strokes inside of her quickened again and it only took a few rubs of his fingers for her to be gone.

Spencer's insides clenched around Toby as she came against him. Her entire body shook ( _but she didn't cry out his name, that would be far too intimate_ ). It only took a few moments before he shook and came inside of her. Her hands soothed against his back as both regained their sense of being.

Hard-labored breaths escaped from both of them as Spencer's eyes eventually fluttered open. There was still a daze that covered her as she waited for Toby to make the first move.

Toby hoped she didn't notice how he leaned against her neck and inhaled ( _she did_ ). Spencer kept her hands still on his back after a few moments. She didn't want the moment to be ruined. As soon as he moved, she knew that they would have to talk about what happened. And that absolutely terrified Spencer. Both of their breaths finally evened out before she could feel Toby shift against her. A part of her wished to stop him, but she was frozen as he pulled back from her.

Red colored her entire chest and cheeks as he finally pulled away.

Spencer notice he didn't look at her when he pulled up his pants. Spencer couldn't move. She was still coming down from the entire thing. The thoughts that she hadn't had before were coming strong now. Spencer had just _fucked_ Toby on her kitchen counter. Her eyes were wide as she watched him quickly pull his shirt back over his head.

"Toby…" His name came out of her mouth shakily. Fear raced through her veins as she waited for a response. All his name seemed to do was freeze the man. Spencer kept her gaze on Toby as the man stood still. She didn't make any attempt to cover herself up—all she had done was close her legs. Otherwise she was still the woman on the counter top with just a bra on and her skirt hitched up on her waist. Her subconscious wished that he would just look at her and see that she was open. Spencer needed to talk about all of this. She was _open_ to talking about it all.

Instead, he just mumbled, "I'm sorry" and walked out the back door.

* * *

Spencer didn't hear from Toby until a week later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super short update because my inspiration left after the last scene (which i wrote first), but it's something since i've been so busy to get this properly updated. enjoy :) reviews always make my inspiration increase.


	7. September 2023 - I Won't Give Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i feel terrible that i haven't updated this in forever. have something to hold the tides over as i go through finals. during j-term, i should be able to write more. reviews make me want to write!

* * *

10 days.

It didn't seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things—but to a little girl, it was years.

Spencer hadn't been able to count the amount of times that Clara asked about Toby. _Where is he? When is he coming back? Is he coming back? Why did he leave? Is something wrong?_ All questions that she had no clue what the answer was. Spencer had searched her memory of that night countless times since he left. Yet there was no explanation to why he would just walk out the door and not return. It was just as confusing to her as it was to her daughter.

Clara's big eyes and small hands that wanted more. She wanted answers and Spencer didn't have them.

Spencer remembered the last time that Toby disappeared without a trace. She remembered the fear—the absolute confusion that she felt. ( _The note was still tucked away with the rocking chair he had made her._ )

It was different this time.

This time didn't just include her—it included Clara and that was unacceptable.

The look of despair on Clara's face when Toby wasn't at breakfast for the next _ten_ mornings was heartbreaking. Spencer didn't have any answers for the young girl.

" _He had to go take care of some business, sweetheart_."

It had become her mantra for when Clara would ask her about Toby.

Maybe he had. Maybe he had pulled away in some family affair that she didn't know about. It still didn't make it acceptable for him to just _leave_ without a goodbye.

* * *

Slapping him hard across the face should have made her feel better—but it didn't.

It was late by the time a knock was on her door. Spencer would have been grateful that he didn't just use the key he had, but she wasn't feeling any sort of emotion but anger and hurt when she saw his face.

"Spencer," his voice was rough and the anger inside of her was startling.

The slap didn't help anything—but for a split second it felt good.

Then everything felt awful again.

Spencer tried to slam the door in his face, but his hand caught the door before it could close. "Spence…" his voice crept through again and all Spencer could do to keep it together was walk away. Clara had finally gone to bed and she wouldn't wake her with yelling in the doorway.

"I'm sorry."

The words made Spencer turn around once she reached the living room. They almost made her laugh. No, sorry wasn't enough anymore. Spencer had been through this play with Toby too many times for sorry to fix anything.

"You're sorry?" She asked as she just stared at him, her eyebrows raised. Her arms were folded against her chest in a protective manner. This was it. Spencer wouldn't be able to hold back. Everything that she had felt—all the abandonment issues that Toby had caused—she couldn't contain it anymore. Spencer couldn't have people walking in and out of her life anymore. She couldn't handle it. "You can't just disappear and then come back saying you're sorry."

"I had things to think abo—"

"Like _fucking_ me in my kitchen?" Spencer asked as she shook her head. The bluntness surprised both of them. Spencer kept her gaze on Toby. It wasn't a time for her to show weakness. She wouldn't allow the feelings of anything but anger over take her. Spencer could see that she had hit a nerve as Toby's gaze dropped for a few moments. "Is that what you had to think about? How you regretted doing it?" The crack in her voice was involuntary. She had done such a good job with the anger—but for a moment she wasn't focused and the emotion broke through.

The crack of emotion brought his eyes back on hers.

"No, Spence.."

"Don't call me that," Spencer snapped before she took a deep breath. "You don't just get to _disappear_ on me anymore, Toby."

There was a moment of silence as she shut her eyes tightly as she remembered Clara's hurt over Toby disappearing.

The anger was back.

"You don't get to just disappear on Clara."

It caught his attention and Spencer could feel the atmosphere in the room shift.

"We're not eighteen anymore, Toby. When you came back—I didn't know what to expect. But I don't have to just worry about myself anymore."

"I know, I'm so sorry—"

"Don't apologize to me. Because that little girl," Spencer pointed towards where Clara's bedroom was, "is the most important thing in my life. And I _won't_ let her lose anybody else that she cares about."

Spencer didn't notice that she was crying until she was finished talking. Her chest rose and fell quickly as the emotions finally came out from beneath the surface. Clara didn't deserve any of this. Clara had lost her father—her _daddy_. And she had seen the girl come to light with Toby more than she had ever expected. She wouldn't let someone in her little girl's life if they weren't in it for the long haul. Clara _never_ deserved to be left behind again.

It was what being a mother was all about.

Protecting her child first.

Everything else was secondary.

"I had to clear my mind. I should have left a note, I know."

There was a sorry laced in his tone, but Spencer didn't know if she could accept it.

"Would it have been like your note last time you left?" It was a low blow. Spencer knew that. But she wasn't going to ignore it anymore. They couldn't keep ignoring what had happened ten years ago. Or five years ago for that matter. "What is this to you, Toby? This is my _life_ , Toby. Are we just a fake family to play with for a while? Do I mean anything at all?"

Spencer didn't even both wiping after the tears on her face. They would fall no matter what she did.

This was Spencer's life. She was the one who had to deal with the crap and the good. Her husband had died. Her daughter was growing up too fast. The world kept spinning, no matter how cliché it sounded. Because her life hadn't ended when Wren died, it had kept going. Her life hadn't stopped moving when Toby had left her. Spencer had kept going—she had kept living. Spencer had felt stronger—but when Toby left again, Spencer felt broken again.

The same man who had shattered her heart years ago could still break her.

Spencer wasn't able to run away from all of this.

Time wasn't frozen.

No matter the heartache she felt, Spencer still had to keep moving. Spencer didn't get to curl up in a ball and give up. Life brought heartache. Spencer had dealt with enough for an entire lifetime.

And for Spencer to keep moving forward—she had to know what Toby wanted from her.

The look on Toby's face startled her. Because it wasn't blank; there was no attempt to cover what he was feeling. For a split second, she remembered what it felt like in that motel room years ago. The pure emotion on his face spoke words that he didn't have access to.

Three strides.

All it took was three strides for him to make it across the room to her. His hands cupped her face and Spencer didn't pull away. Her gaze was caught in his.

"What do you want from me?" Spencer whispered out as his thumbs brushed against her cheekbones. Spencer needed to know the answer. It was vital to what would happen next.

A hello or a goodbye.

The moments seemed like hours as he stared into her eyes. No insecurities, no movement—Spencer stood with his hands holding her face. Spencer waited to hear the answer. No apologies anymore, she just needed the answer. What was the truth?

"I am here for _you_."

Just from his eyes, Spencer knew that it was the truth.

The apology on his lips tasted so much sweeter than it sounded to her ears. There was so much more they needed to talk about. Many more fights and arguments and tears—but for now, Spencer needed his lips against hers. She didn't need to hear the apologies or the _why_. All she needed to know was that his lips were moving against hers and that she felt safe.

Spencer wasn't incomplete without Toby.

She had lived 10 happy years without him.

Spencer had loved without Toby. She had loved intensely ( _more than she ever thought she would again_ ).

Spencer had lived without Toby.

But with his hands touching her skin and her hope hanging from his lips, Spencer remembered what she had felt all those years ago. She remembered the safety in his arms. She remembered the love in his gaze. She remembered the absolute love she had felt for him.

And even if Spencer could live without him, she knew that she didn't want to anymore.

His lips against hers opened the door to her heart—the part that she had locked away when he had taken the key and left.

And even though Spencer had lived without him, when Toby's lips were against hers and he begged for her love with touch, Spencer felt the world come into color again.


End file.
